This Precious Life

Most of my blog entries are selfish in nature and focus on me and my journey through life.  It is a very therapeutic escape for me as I started this skill during the therapy sessions that immediately followed the assault.  I find that even if my gibberish does not affect anyone else, it is at least a great release for me.  I know this sounds selfish but it is probably the one thing that I find truly helps me and the one place where I really put me first.  


This afternoon I was taking a short break from work and catching up on the latest news on cnn.com as I typically do to see what events that I may have missed.  I came across a story that hit far too close to home (link included below).  It was about a teenager who died suddenly immediately following his layup that won the game for his basketball team.  The story hit so close to home because I lost a dear friend when I was 13.  Many of those who are close to me know the story at length and know that I have felt remorse for many years because she lost her life too soon.  She had called me the night before she died and I cut the call really short as I had homework to do.  For many years, I held on to so much remorse for cutting the call so short as it was the last time I would ever speak with her.


This article reminded me not only of my own personally tragedy but it reminded me once again that we are not promised tomorrow.  No one is guaranteed a next breath.  Our life can be cut short at any time for any reason.  So I take this moment to remind you, my friends and family, to try not to leave things unresolved.  Try to remember that this precious life that we often take for granted can be removed from us without warning.  Live this life the best way you know how and try to cherish every last breath because you never know when this life will end.  


This topic does come full circle with regards to my new journey and weight loss.  I know that if I don't lose this weight, I will die.  Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but way sooner than I want.  So once again, I will eat my 9 point lunch and snack on my 0 point fruits and veggies knowing that I am doing what I need to do to live my best life and to not be another statistic of obesity taking a life too soon.


To my friends and family: once again, I love you more than you know.  I cherish everything that each one of you brings to my life.  Thank you for accepting me unconditionally, flaws and all!  Thank you for picking me up when I am down.  Thank you for making me laugh when I cant see the light.  Thank you (Colleen) for knowing when something is wrong even when I have said nothing and doing what ever it takes to put a smile on my face.  I would not be the woman I am today without all of your love and support!  xoxo -m  


http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/03/04/michigan.basketball.death/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn

Such a Pretty Fat

I thought I would write again... it has been a few days and I wanted to keep you all up to speed on my journey.  For the record, I am still in the game! :)

I did mostly meet my goal from my last blog.  The goals were:

1.  This week I will find a gym I like and join it.  

2.  I will do 2 workouts at said gym that I join this week.

I did find a gym I liked and joined it.  

I did 1 actual gym workout instead of 2.  

However, I did some serious workouts around the house that I had been putting off for quite some time... sealing the grout of all the tile in my house.  I know this sounds like a simple task, and it is.  However, it is very time consuming and takes a great deal out of you.  I considered it "activity" as weight watchers defines it, because it is something beyond my normal daily tasks, sweat a great deal, and figured that over 4 hours of sealing grout and cleaning the house counted for something.  

Additionally, Colleen lent me a book titled "Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover if Her Life Makes her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie is Not the Answer" by Jen Lancaster.  When Colleen lent it to me, she told me to make this book a priority.  Some may thing, what does she mean by that?  Well, you see, Colleen lends me many books.  The first, I read, couldn't put down, and returned in a very timely manner.  Since then, she has lent me probably 5+ books.  None of which I have finished.  All of which are still in my possession.  And all of which she would probably like back sooner than later, but let's face it, many are still packed from the move.  So, the least I could do is actually move this newly loaned book to the front of the pile (since the remainder of the pile I can't currently locate) and start reading.  What a better way to spend a day of Jury Duty than with Jen Lancaster.  This book is incredibly funny and motivating at the same time.  She says what all of us are thinking if you have ever been weight conscious or tried to loose weight.  Furthermore, her humor is right up my alley.  She even writes letters to her neighbors from a fake home owner's association she has created to complain about shit.  LOVES IT!!!  

Last night I started to watch a weight loss show called Shedding for the Wedding.  As we all know, I have a bitter taste in my mouth regarding weddings; however, since I went to high school with one of the contestants, I wanted to watch it just to be nosy.   While incredibly extreme (and appearing to be very unhealthy regarding the speed at which such weight loss is being achieved), I was almost motivated to get off the couch and go to the gym after watching it.  LOL.  But I didn't, I headed to bed and continued to read.  

This evening my new gym is offering a class that looks really interesting.  It is called Dance Party Extreme.  I thought that even though I will probably look like "an ass" and "the fat girl", I am going to try it out tonight.  I will keep you all posted... via blog, not youtube video... don't get carried away now!

Alright, that is pretty much where I am at at this point.  

Week 8

Current Weight Loss: 15.4

Goals Reached: 5%

20 Questions That Could Change Your Life

As "Oprah" as it sounds, while trying to redirect my life to Live my Best Life, I came across an article that I found very interesting.  It was regarding questions that could change one's life.  So, I thought I would answer the questions myself as a way of reflection... and I have included the original article in case you are interested in reflecting on the questions yourself.

1.  What questions should I be asking myself?
I'm not sure...

2.  Is this what I want to be doing?
Career wise, it works for now.  But I still want to go back to school to get a graduate degree to become a therapist, with a special emphasis in working with sexual assault victims.


3.  Why worry?
Why not?

4.  Why do I like [cupcakes] more than I like [people]?
Now, with this question, we are able to substitute the words in brackets to what ever words we like; however, I find that the words provided in the brackets are fitting.  I like cupcakes more than people for a few reasons:  1.  They are simply delicious.  2.  They don't talk back.  3.  They comfort and support me regardless of the situation.


5.  How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?
I would love to make a positive impact in others lives... in what ever way possible.


6.  How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?
I want to be more mindful of the environment so that this world is clean and safe for future generations.

7.  Are [vegans skinny bitches] better people?
I deemed it appropriate to change the words in this statement.  This is something I am trying to change my mindset on, but for so long I have associated beauty (primarily thin) with better.  However, I am starting to realize that me and my cellulite are better than many.

8.  What is my body telling me?
Get into shape or die.

9.  How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?
WHAT THE FUCK? nuff said!

10.  What's so funny?
Your face!

11.  Where am I wrong?
Who said I was ever wrong? ;)

12.  What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?
I need to think about this one some more.

13.  Am I the only one struggling not to [fart] during [yoga]?
This is exactly why I don't participate in yoga.

14.  What do I love to practice?
Scrapbooking.  Shopping.  Swimming.

15.  Where could I work less and achieve more?
I could work less if I worked for the government, and I could possibly make more (ie. achieve more).

16.  How can I keep myself absolutely safe?
Walls up, but that wont allow for any joy in my life.  If you don't let people in, you cant experience the joy they can bring your life.

17.  Where should I break the rules?
Where shouldn't you break the rules?  Aren't they made to be broken?

18.  So say I lived in that fabulous house in Tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous adoring mate, and a full staff of servants... then what?
then what what?  that sounds delightful!

19.  Are my thoughts hurting or healing?
many are hurting, attempting to change those thoughts into helping on this current journey.

20.  Really truly:  Is this what I want to be doing?
No, I really don't want to be doing this... but it works for now...


http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/01/26/o.questions.change.your.life/index.html?hpt=T2

Exercise State of Mind

I have been back on track for well over a week, and have been faithfully following my several weight watcher mantras: 

If you bite it, write it...

If you pack (or snack) it, track it...

etc.

This weekend at my weekly weigh in, I lost another 2.8 pounds for a total of 14 pounds lost since I rejoined weight watchers.  And while I am very proud of my success, I know that I have so much further to go.  I have started to notice a difference in my fattest of fat jeans which really is more motivation to keep going.  I have lost what I have so far with simply changing my eating habits.  I know that if I continue to faithfully track my food intake, that my weight loss journey will continue in the right direction.  However, eating healthy is just one part of the equation in getting healthy.  

Basics show that to live a healthy lifestyle you need to eat less and move more.  In theory this sounds pretty simple.  Eat less.  Move more.  Simple as that.  However, lets be honest for a minute, I prefer to Eat More & Move Less.  

In changing my thought process I have allowed myself to take baby steps.  But, it has come a time where I need to start implementing the Move More part of this journey.  The question is how to incorporate this into my life?  Some might say, just do it.  However, when you work 9+ hours a day, which equates to 11+ hours a day with commute time, the last thing I want to do is work out after a long day of work.  And lord knows, there is no way that I would do it first thing in the morning since I can hardly get to work on time.  The next problem is that I am not a member of a gym and have no real equipment at my house (and due to very limited funds, the gym membership seems unattainable).  Additionally, by the time I get home in the evening, it is too dark to go out alone.  I have the opportunity to do things like trampoline aerobics (refer to blog entry: hell on trampolines), but I would go at 8 pm which means I don't get home until 10 pm and I still have to shower and get ready for bed so that I can repeat the long day routine the following day.  So the question is, when do I fit this into my schedule and how/where do I do it?  Some reading this are thinking, "sounds like a bunch of excuses" but they are legitimate concerns.  

In addition to the above mentioned concerns, I also feel that I am so out of shape that jumping back into some routine of working out just might kill me.  I have expressed to Colleen that I am not the active being that I used to be, but she reaffirms that I once was a runner.  I once could run several miles at a time.  That not that long ago, I walked a half marathon, and didn't die!  But for some reason, I cant make the connection that I can do this again. 

Well, in preparing this blog, and thinking about it further, I think I have proven to myself that I have a bunch of bullshit excuses and no plan of action.  The money and time will always be a concern, but if I don't get healthy, I won't be here to make or spend the money I earn, or have any time at all.  When Colleen and I looked up my BMI, it was so high that she said I was in the range of cutting 8 years off of my life.  I don't want to live a shorter lifestyle because I was relaxing on the couch eating a SmashBurger.  I want to live my best life and I am not going to be able to do that rotting away in my condo slowly committing "food-icide".  

My Vow:  

1.  This week I will find a gym I like and join it.  

2.  I will do 2 workouts at said gym that I join this week.

I know that many of my blogs are probably just a bunch of babble to most, but writing is therapeutic for me and sometimes I just need to see it in print to fully "get-it".

Thanks for reading and all of your continued support, especially to my local weight loss (ww) buddy Colleen, and my long distance weight loss (ww) buddy, my Mama!

A Scratch on My Car

It has been about a week since I last wrote.  I was feeling incredibly discouraged and totally out of control.  I was excited that Colleen pushed me to get to a meeting that Tuesday that I was really struggling but it still didn't seem to do as much as I had hoped.  I still struggled to track my points; furthermore, I had more than enough "splurge meals" while I was feeling under the weather.

To my surprise, when I hopped on the scale on Saturday, I saw that I had lost .2 pounds.  For many, that would hardly be an accomplishment; however, for me, it felt like a great defeat.  Before jumping on the scale I was more than confident that I had gained all the weight that I had lost back.  Mentally, I knew I had screwed up and still showed up on Saturday to face my fear... the scale.  I was happy that the scale had not disappointed me, especially because that meant that I hadn't disappointed me.  I knew that I hadn't made all the best choices for food while I was sick, but I also knew that I hadn't made all the wrong choices.  Instead of a milk shake to sooth my throat, I would have a smoothie, etc.

With Saturday's weigh in behind me, and my typical Satur-date plans with Colleen and baby Isa, I was back on track.  We went to lunch at Paul Martin's (Pablo Martinez as my mother calls it) to grub and visit with Benny.  I ordered what sounded good, tracked every last bite, and asked the server to remove the plate with half of the freedom fries (are we still calling them that?) remaining so that I would not consume anymore.

Since Saturday, I have tracked tracked tracked!  The mind of being a weight watcher has taken over again and that is where I'd like it to stay.  I know that this road is not going to be easy.  Recently was my first set back of many.  But the fact is, this time, when I have a set back, I am vowing to myself to make sure I return and get back on track.  In the past, when I would fail, I would quit.

A while back, my mother told me something that one of her leaders had told her at a meeting.  She used a vehicle as an analogy to weight loss.  She said, if you were to scratch up your car, what would you do?  Would you decide that the car was completely ruined over a few scratches and continue to trash the car by taking a sledge hammer to it, run it into a brick wall, etc.?  Or, would you realize that it was just a scratch and work to repair it and move forward?

Just because I have a set back or two (or three or four), doesn't mean I have to ruin my whole journey.  I need to patch the scratches and move on.  So to my future scratches, prepare to be patched, because I refuse to take a sledge hammer to myself one more time!

Required for Success: A Great Support System

I have learned throughout my life that what matters most is a great support system.  No matter what the task, it is always easier when you have people around you that love and support you.  I have been sick for nearly a week and when I don't feel well, I turn to comfort.  Comfort in the form of resting, sweatpants, cuddling with my cat, and most of all... FOOD!  I had been doing so well on weight watchers and tracking my points over the past few weeks.  I am down more than 11 pounds (well before getting sick at least).  

I lost momentum this past week when I got so sick.  If I had an appetite, I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat and what sounded good.  Not necessarily what was best for me.  And not necessarily what was best to fight the virus that I have been fighting.  Also, I had stopped tracking.  While I could have fallen completely off the edge, I have not.  However, I have definitely slipped.  

I was starting to feel totally discouraged this morning while drinking my Starbucks Grande Java Chip Frappaccino with Carmel Swirl (afraid to even calculate the point value on it) when I got a text message from Colleen expressing her craving of an In-and-Out burger.  (so, I'm not alone, I thought!)  I responded that I was "putts control".  Fucking auto correct... I was outta control.  Her first response was, "putts control?  we can go to an emergency meeting tonight to get you back on track".  Of course I laughed that she made fun of me... because let's face it, it is easy to do and always a good time! ;)  At first I wanted to make up an excuse as to why I couldn't go, but then I realized that this is what I needed and what a selfless person for her to suggest going to a random mid-week meeting to get me back on track when I am sure she has other things to do.  

It is people like Colleen that are going to help me get through this journey.  It is going to be a long road and this isn't going to be the first or last time I slip and fall.  However, I need to stick with it.  As Colleen stated, based on the BMI that we calculated on her crappy Iphone... I need to get my BMI down because statistics show that if I don't, my life span decreases by an additional 8 years.  And lets face it, Colleen needs me around to make fun of!  And I want to be here to be on the receiving end of it! ;)

So today, like all other days, I am so thankful for the support system around me.  Thank you for being on my side.  Thank you for being so encouraging.  Thank you for going out of your way for me.  Thank you for caring enough and expressing it.  And mostly, thank you for not judging me.  

If it weren't for the "Colleens" in life, I don't know where I'd be!

Thanks again, Colleen!  You inspire me daily!!!

I've been waiting for you to come rescue me...

Many of you know that music is like therapy to me.  It is an incredible escape for me.  I love finding songs that I can envision myself in.  It is like a story written just for me, or just to describe me and how I am feeling.  Some are love songs.  Some are country songs about family.  Some are hard core rap songs (let's face it, a girl's gotta have some street cred) ;)  


There is a song that I have recently fallen in love with.  I feel like it describes me the past few years.  I feel like it describes exactly who I was and everything I no longer want to be.  I picture the girl singing "I've been waiting for you to come rescue me..." not about someone else rescuing me, but me finally taking the time and effort to rescue myself from what I have allowed my life to become.  It is by an artist called Sia.  The song is titled "I'm in here".  I have listed the lyrics below as well as a link to the song on youtube.  


I'm in here, can anybody see me? 
Can anybody help? 

I'm in here, a prisoner of history, 
Can anybody help? 

Can't you hear my call? 
Are you coming to get me now? 
I've been waiting for, 
You to come rescue me, 
I need you to hold, 
All of the sadness I can not, 
Living inside of me. 

I'm in here, I'm trying to tell you something, 
Can anybody help? 

I'm in here, I'm calling out but you can't hear, 
Can anybody help? 

Can't you hear my call? 
Are you coming to get me now? 
I've been waiting for, 
You to come rescue me, 
I need you to hold, 
All of the sadness I can not, 
Living inside of me. 

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down, 
I am fearing it all, 
Stuck inside these walls, 
Tell me there is hope for me 
Is anybody out there listening? 

Can't you hear my call? 
Are you coming to get me now? 
I've been waiting for, 
You to come rescue me, 
I need you to hold, 
All of the sadness I can not, 
Living inside of me. 

Can't you hear my call? 
Are you coming to get me now? 
I've been waiting for, 
You to come rescue me, 
I need you to hold, 
All of the sadness I can not, 
Living inside of me. 

I'm in here, can anybody see me? 
Can anybody help?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Owr4U55WpDs&feature=pyv&ad=8519987628&kw=i'm%20in%20here%20SIA

Cheers to rescuing myself!!!