he took something from me that night that destroyed the carefree, warmhearted, fun, loving woman that i was. he ruined me. i don't want to allow him to ruin me for one more day but i don't know how to make it stop. i try and i try but it is still there. he's made me act out. do things that are so stupid. so regrettable. what was i thinking? putting myself at risk like that? for what? i know better! he's turned me into this self hating, worthless, unlovable monster who wears a smile to pretend to others that i'm fine when i'm really fucked up and dead inside. i'm tired of living like this, if you could even call it living! i want it all to end!
i have a friend who doesnt know who she is anymore. a friend who loves others so unconditionally but cant love herself. a friend who hurts and doesnt know how to make it stop. she lies to me when i ask to help, she lies to all of us. does she not want help? can she not let herself take the help? does she not know whats help and whats just going to make it worse? did she try for help and not like what she was given or how it made her feel? i dont know, i dont know how to help. its confusing for everyone involved and her fear is now becoming everyones fear. she would hate to know that she worried others, but they worry because they love her. she is still there, she never left. she cant find herself even though she presents the kind, fun loving self she talks about having in the past. why are we the only ones who still see her? she didnt go away, maybe she needs glasses. maybe she needs time. maybe she needs a kick in the ass, i dont know what she needs. if i could give it i would. she would have to tell me though and stop saying she is fine all the time. we know you arent fine so stop being so vague, start talking. you are a talker. thats what you do. talk for the love of god and tell us what to do. you want to meet someone to love you, ok we can help. you want to get help, ill help you pay for it, find your doctor, back over the guy in my car. id do it if you would just freaking tell me
ReplyDeleteColleen,
DeleteYou are one of the most incredible women I know and have ever had the privileged to cross paths with. Your friendship has truly saved me several times. The joy you have continuously brought to my life over the past 13 years (oh crap) is beyond any words that I can express. Opening your heart to me, allowing me to be a member of your extended family, and allowing me to love your kids as if they are my own, what an incredible blessing and gift. I could never thank you enough. The smile on those little angels faces when they see their auntie mel, has gotten me thru the last few years with a real smile on my face. You have always been by my side and it broke my heart to think that you feel that there is something more you can do. You've done more than enough. This is a hard time that I need to get thru. I know you are here by myside to hold my hand the entire way. I wouldn't have even joined the sexual assault group if it weren't for you. So, please don't ever think that you've not done enough or haven't been the most incredible friend. I know since the move, we don't talk daily, but that is okay. I know you have your hands full and I know we both aren't phone people. What matters to me most is that you will always be there for me when I need you, when times are rough for me, that is when you ALWAYS show up and that is all that I'd ever ask of you. And know that I am here in return for the exact same. I also know that if I need you, you are a short flight or a decent drive away and that you'll open your heart and home to me at any time if I do need someone. I sit here crying, tears of joy, to know that I have such an incredible friend on my side, on my team, to get me thru this. Thank you for all of your love and support. It means truly so much more than you realize, based on this post. To me you truly are a sister, and your kids truly are my niece and nephew, your husband like a brother. I will forever be a part of your family for as long as I am welcome. I love you guys with all my heart and you all are just one more reason that I know this fight is worth fighting, and that there is no way that I could ever give up this fight because I'd never hurt any of you in that way. XOXO- Auntie Mel