everyday, you remind me...

you remind me each day

how to make my heart smile

how to make me laugh

how your laugh infects my soul

you remind me each day

that you're there by my side

that you'll pick me up when i fall

that things will be okay, because you're here

you remind me each day

why i fell in love the first time

why i waited patiently for you

why i never fully let you go

you remind me each day

that forgiveness is moving forward

that opening my heart is okay

that you'll not hurt me again

you remind me each day

to be the true me

to not sweat the small stuff

to let you in and give you my all

you remind me each day

how incredible you are

how well we connect

how i want to love you again

you remind me each day

that it's okay to cry

that this is where i want to be

that you're not going to leave

i want to remind you everyday

to forgive yourself 

to believe in yourself

to open up your heart to me

i want to remind you everyday

i'll never place judgement

i'll never break your heart

i'll never leave your side

I'm leaving... I'm waiting...

our eyes meet and lock

a draw I've never felt before

you approach, we talk

numbers exchanged

excited... i hope you call

surprised, you call... we connect

we have a blast

so compatible, inseparable

you tell me...

don't get close, i'm leaving

i say okay

my heart falls hard

you continue to fill my soul with joy

my heart with love

you act like you're mine but tell me...

don't get close, i'm leaving

by the time it comes

i'm head over heals in love

you tell me...

don't get close, i'm leaving

you say goodbye

i say no

you say don't wait for me

i say, i'm waiting

you say don't wait for me, live your life

i say, i'm waiting

you leave

i begin to wait

shit, this sucks

you're gone

we keep in touch

emails exchanges

instant message conversations

three days pass... no contact

sick. feel so sick. he's hurt, he's gone... my love

contact received

breathe, melissa breathe

phone attached like an appendage

drop everything when it rings, you're there

overwhelmed with joy

my love... you're safe

care packages sent

your days a bit brighter

we grow closer, all we have is this

i fall deeper, so much deeper in love

i picture our future when you return,

you say don't, i'm leaving

i want to be your one and only

scared to tell you, scared you'll run

i still wait

shit, this sucks

you return

you're here, but you're not

something's not right

i attribute it to war

i've no idea what its' done to my love

i'm patient, but scared

something's just not right

i pray you'll open up

you shut me down

you tell me...

stop, i'm leaving

i say no, don't leave me

take me with you

i want you forever

you shut me down

you keep pushing me away

you say, i'm leaving

i want to be your wife

you don't understand

you decide destruction

destruction is easier, she'll hate me

it doesn't work

i love you too much

you eventually destroy it all

and you say, i'm leaving

my heart breaks

a loss like none i've ever felt

you come to me, hug and kiss

you say goodbye, i'm destroyed

you leave

we cant stop, i cant stop

i need you like a drug

emails, texts, calls

i cant break free, you have my heart

email received, i don't know who she is

she knows me.  i don't understand

meet me for drinks?  i comply.  

we meet.  she destroys my everything

its all a lie.  NO! not the man i love!

she has proof.  he's been with her

there's more, it's worse!

i'm the other woman

i call, i scream, i yell

i curse, i cry, i'm done

destruction... heartbreak doesn't describe it

worse than any pain i've ever felt

how could you?  why?  

you have no real answers, not that i hear

our love...

all a lie.  

our truth...

all a lie.

i still love you

you're gone

we continue

i can't stop

you tell me to come

move to be with you

you're not serious

i am

destruction again... it's over.  

i'm dead inside.  destroyed

time passes

i try to move on

heart never the same, never healed

drunk to numb the pain

that's when it happens.  life changes forever

i try to shake you

still can't.  how long could this possibly last?  i need you

years pass

you reach out

you apologize, i still love you

i say more hateful things

try to convince myself i don't love you

i'm mean enough

you go away

my heart still aches

i still love you

more time passes

heart never healed

don't think i'll ever stop loving you

i reach out, able to find you

day 1, nothing.  day 2, nothing.  day 3, 4...

email received.  it's you

heart stops.  he's here.  why?

do i tell you?  

my heart's not healed, my heart's still yours

we start again

forgiveness fills my soul

we start as friends, small talk

turns to deeper conversations

a better understanding of what you've done

maybe our love wasn't all a lie, maybe you did love me?

beyond the separation with her,

i learn that the local fling was to break me

if i hated you, you could leave

easy for you, hard for me

you threw the line.  i took the bait

i let you leave, without my fight

i know you aren't that man

just a victim of broken heart that lead to poor choices

we continue to get to know each other again

its there, the connection, the draw

i want to look you in the eyes

tell you, i forgive you

my heart starts to race again

i feel it happening.  i'm scared

i'm mature enough to realize what you did

you kept me at a distance on purpose

all the leaving, all the destruction

you weren't ready to love me the way i needed

i have faith you're there now

even when you doubt yourself

i see a future with you

happiness like before.  before the destruction

we needed the destruction 

to grow.  to appreciate each other.  to have a fighting chance

i know now, you say i'm leaving

it's a defense... keep people at a distance

i wont accept it this time

i'll fight for you, for us

i stand in front of you

filled with forgiveness

i stand here with an open heart

ready to love you again

i stand here ready for love

ready for all of the ups and downs

you can say i'm leaving

but i'm waiting

this time i wait

i fight. i stay

it wont be easy.  we have challenges ahead

but if you are by my side, we can do this

i have the faith in you, in us

we can be great

i know you can give me what i want

you can make me happy and i can you

you can tell me you're leaving

but i'm waiting

i wont give up, my heart is in

i'm ready for the fight

no expectations, you will not fail

just take care of me, you'll prove yourself wrong

let me in

you're not leaving

i wont let you

i'm waiting

this time

you left me

i waited

you left me again

i gave up

this time

i wont let you leave 

i offer you my forgiveness

i offer you my heart

i offer you me, all of me

i only ask that you let me in

give us a fighting chance

please don't say i'm leaving

because i'm here waiting

i'm waiting for you to open your heart to me

i'm waiting for you to let me in

i'm waiting for you to allow me to love you again

i'm waiting for you to love me 

i'm waiting to make you happy

i'm waiting to see if you'll be mine, forever

i'm waiting, in hopes, that you don't try to leave me

xoxo

dark thoughts... dark spaces

You're not alone 

I'm here 

Let me in? 

No 

I'll wait for you 

I'm here 

Look in the mirror 

I see you 

We're the same 

Just different demons 

She broke your heart 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

You broke my heart

To lessen the pain 

Self destruction 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

It broke your heart again 

I've forgiven, it's your turn 

You're not alone 

I'm here 

Let me in? 

No 

I'll wait for you 

I'm here 

I'll prove to you 

I'll be here 

Through it all 

Good times and bad 

Your demons or mine 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

Please let me in 

I want to love you 

I'll help you through 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

Trust me I won't hurt you 

Forgive yourself, let me love you 

You're not alone 

I'm here 

Let me in? 

No 

I'll wait for you 

I'm here 

You push 

Try so hard 

Push me away 

Start a fight, its easier

Your demons win 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

This time you push 

I know better

I don't let your demons win

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

I won't leave your side

Just let me love you 

You're not alone 

I'm here 

Let me in? 

No 

I'll wait for you 

I can't wait forever

_________________

I miss you. xoxo

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

why is it that the heart can be such a huge stubborn pain in the ass?

it wants what it wants, regardless of what you think should be.  it can lead you in directions that may worry you.  it can force you down a path that may not be considered the best choice.  but it forces you in these directions because it isn't satisfied until it gets what it wants.  it is like the worst craving for chocolate... times a million.

if i told myself, i'd be sitting here, all these years later... still feeling this way, i'd laugh hysterically.  i'd question why.  i'd wonder how it would even be possible.  but i'm learning that the possibilities are endless because the heart wants what the heart wants, regardless of what might be considered a good or rational decision.

my heart has recently lead me down a path that i always imagine could happen, but that i never thought would actually happen.  it scares me... tremendously!  i don't know what will happen.  i fear that it will end the same way it did before.  pure destruction of my heart.  i still don't understand how you could have caused such destruction when you were always there for me, to keep me safe, to protect me, to provide for me... all of the love i thought i ever needed.  so in some ways it still feels like i was in a bad dream when i learned the truth.  like it couldn't really have happened, because you took such good care of me, my heart, my love.  

but it is my heart that draws me back to you.  it is my heart that throws caution to the wind.  it is my heart that screams i miss you.  it is my heart that longs to be in your arms, feeling that safety, security, and love that i once felt.  it is my heart that longs for a kiss from your perfect mouth.  it is my heart that tells me he can love you now, the way you deserve, the way he deserves, in a way he was never able to before.  it is my heart that gives me butterflies at the thought of his touch.    it is my heart that tells me this will work out and will be okay.  it is my heart that has never stopped loving you.  

i hope you don't hurt me this time.  i hope you'll learn to love me as i have loved you.  i know we could be something great, at least my heart tells me so.  i hope you see it.  i hope you let me in.  i hope you trust that i'll never hurt you, never cause you harm, never make judgments regarding the demons you face, never leave your side, and never stop fighting for us.

i hope you'll be patient with me, as we sort through the destruction you once caused.  i do forgive you but we have hurdles that we'll have to work through.  i hope you think we are worth facing these hurdles head on.  i hope you'll hold my hand the whole way, because i don't know if i can ever love another man the way i loved you.  my heart screams "i love this man" but my mind screams "stop, you're living in a dream".

i hope you'll be patient.  i hope you'll let me in.  i hope you'll treat my heart with kindness and love, because after all... my heart wants what my heart wants... and that has always been you.

Listening to: Adorn - Miguel

Neva End!

Interesting...

Closed in,
Come back again!
You're here, babe.


We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna neva


We don’t wanna neva end
It’s like our life has just began
You walkin’ out, you comin’ back again
'Cause we became the best of friends
You got all the questions and I know all the answers
I done took your heart, girl, hold it up for ransom
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna


I could tell you was into me, from my instant chemistry
As I reflect memory, you ride or you die for me
I’ll go to war over you, I don’t give a fuck about showing you
You know what it is, shorty, forever my little shawty
Long as I’m swimmin’ in benjamins, you shop with no limited
You’ll see reminisce every session, know you’ll come back again
I know you can’t breathe without me, you gon’ need the oxygen
I damn near gave you an overdose on my own medicine
I took a sip of your tea and I ain’t been right ever since
As I think to myself what it be is it heaven sent
Let’s put the past behind us
And go far away where nobody can find us!


We don’t wanna neva end
It’s like our life has just began
You walkin’ out, you comin’ back again
'Cause we became the best of friends
I got all the questions, you got all the answers
I done took your heart, boy, held it up for ransom
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna


Oh, neva say neva
From the day we got together
I thought it'd be forever but, baby, oh,You showed your true colors
I can’t believe you played me
I let you meet my mother!
Oh, you hung out with my brother,
My significant other.
You know I still love you, babyOh, boy, you make me so mad,
But I just come right back
It’s like I can’t get over you,
I can’t get over you.
And the things that you do
Swear I don’t want nobody but you, baby!


Is there anything you wanna know? (do ask me)
Is there any place you'd rather be? (I know the answer)You walk until your feet get sore (watch this)
I bet you walking back
I bet you walking back to me (matter fact)
Actually that’s a guarantee (on everything)
Our friendship was guaranteed
You got my ego in another league
I ain’t tryna be cocky
I got your heart in my pocket



We don’t wanna neva end
It’s like our life has just began
You walkin’ out, you comin’ back again
'Cause we became the best of friends
I got all the questions, you got all the answers
I done took your heart, boy, held it up for ransom
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna

a dedication... you know who you are!

Life Happens... Live it and keep it moving

To say the last 3+ months have been horrific, is likely an understatement of great magnitude.   Shortly after I lost my aunt in her battle against breast cancer, I rushed myself to the ER to learn that I had a significantly large kidney stone in my body... and that is where the shit hit the fan.  I will leave out the gory details as I am sure you are uninterested and I am tired of talking about it and living through it; however, the short version is I have had 2 significant surgeries, 3 minor surgical procedures, and the most horrific and long lasting pain that you can ever imagine.  Having said all of this, my life's quality had plummeted through the tubes.  I began to eat my pain away... and then I ate some more, and more after that.  I also wasn't physically able to go to the gym as I had been so faithfully going for quite some time; hell, some days I could hardly walk to the toilet.  

Thursday afternoon marked the true beginning of my recovery, after my stint was removed.  I am so excited, no, I am elated.  I can't wait to feel fully recovered and get back to my life as I knew it.  Working 40+ hours spoiling my boys at the office rotten, stressing about work and life, working out, eating healthy, scrapbooking, hanging with friends, etc.  

Having said all of this, today I spent the day doing what I would have done before the shit storm began.  I woke up this morning, went to weight watchers, met up with and worked my ass off with my trainer, came home and cleaned up, got my hair colored (just in time for Heather's wedding), ran home and baked some yummy treats, and then headed to Colleen's for a dinner party with some wonderful friends.  

This morning it felt like I was reclaiming my life back.  I had felt so out of control over my own destiny due to my circumstances these past few months.  While I was trying to make the best of things, it is hard to do with so much pain, discomfort, and physical restrictions.  Did I push myself too hard today?  MOST DEFINITELY.  Am I paying for it now with horrible pain in my right kidney.  ABSOLUTELY.  But did I enjoy myself all day and the reminder of how wonderful the simplest things in my life are?  YES!!

Today marks a new day in my life.  Today I said FUCK YOU to the kidney stone that has been my painful demise the last 3+ months.  Today I reminded myself that it is okay to fall, especially when the circumstances are completely out of your own control.  Today is symbolic for the fact that Life Happens.  Sometimes life gets in your own way and ruins your current plan.  However, at some point, you have to look at life and say, okay... enough already, lets keep it moving.  

So, I hope to continue on this road of recovery and continue living the simple, yet wonderful life that I have created for myself.  I would not have been able to get through the last 3 months without the love and support of my family and friends.  These people know how hard it is for me to ask for help, and I have sure HAD to ask for a great deal of help these past few months.  I know I have said it before and I'll say it again and again... THANK YOU.  Thanks for your support. Thanks for listening.  Thanks for being you.  Thanks for taking  me to appointments.  Thanks for holding my hand when I was scared.  Thanks for caring enough to continually check on me to make sure I was still kicking.  Thanks for your compassion.  I could go on forever, but basically, thank you for helping to save my life.  Without all of you, I honestly don't think I would have made it through this. 

I suppose I should end this blog entry now before I continue to ramble on and on.  Cheers to reclaiming my life.  Here's to the return to my blog, weight watchers, and the gym.  I have a lot of work to do... but I'm still fighting and will get there EVENTUALLY, regardless of what happens in my life.

xoxo

m

Listening to:

Andy Grammer - Keep Your Head Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILtDs0MmRHE