Self Worth

I have been wanting to write this blog for some time but have struggled with the words in which to compose it.  I sit here still struggling to compose it.  I have a few paragraphs already drafted and they don't make an ounce of sense.  

Basically, those who truly know me know that I struggle with many things.  The big things are self worth and self esteem.  I have hated the way the I look for so long because of my weight that I feel that I am worthless.  Feeling worthless makes me feel that no one will ever truly love me.  Feeling worthless makes me question if I deserve love.  It makes me question if I am lovable.  I question so much and it is based solely on how I see myself on the outside.  

One thing that I don't question is how ugly I feel.  We live in a society that teaches us that thin is beauty and fat is ugly.  I have some friends that aren't stick thin that I think are stunningly beautiful but I have never seen myself as this.  I have been called "cute" when I am skinnier, but I don't remember a time when I really have ever felt beautiful. 

Unfortunately, I directly correlate my exterior looks with how I feel on the inside.  I battle myself constantly on my own self worth.  I think that I am beautiful on the inside.  I try to make the right decisions and I try to be a good friend.  I try to be there for all of those in my life regardless of what they need.  I tend to put others before myself.  It is my way of making myself feel a little better on the inside because of how much I hate the outside.  

I feel like the inside doesn't matter most of the time because the outside is so fat and ugly.  It is a horrible feeling to not want to look in the mirror, ever.  It is a horrible feeling to try to become healthy and love yourself when you have such negative thoughts about your looks.  I know that when I am healthier (read: skinnier), I will feel better about myself and my looks.  But it is hard to get there.  

Even when I have weighed less in the past, I still have never really seen myself as beautiful.  I never am one to think someone would be interested in me or think that I am pretty and want to be with me.  I remember one time being out with my mom and she asked me if I noticed this guy who was checking me out.  I thought she was being ridiculous because I never have felt or understood why someone would want me or want to check me out.  And this thought process is solely based of how I feel about my external appearance (read: size).

I want to know what it is like to love myself, both inside and out.  I want to know what it is like to truly feel beautiful.  I want to know what it is like to accept my own flaws and to love them regardless because they make me who I am.  

I don't know how to get there.  I don't know how to feel pretty.  I don't know how to feel worthy of love.  I don't know how to change.  

As part of this journey, I hope to learn to change these thoughts.  I hope to learn to love myself: flaws, cellulite, and all.  I am not sure how, but I hope this changes!

Please Note:  The last thing I want is someone to read this and post a comment about how irrational I am or to post compliments.  I am not writing this for that reason.  I am writing this for me.  This is part of my battle.  This is how I see myself.  This is how I define my self worth.  This is what I see in the mirror.