my inner skinny bitch

so it has been a few days since i have blogged last.  i have thought about it.  considered it.  but just haven't had the energy to put my thoughts on paper.  this is a good thing and a bad thing.  i have really been serious about working out and making it to the gym at least 5 days a week.  not only do i make the appearance to show face but i really have been busting my hump there.  i do a minimum of an hour workout each time i go, and i have been increasing the intensity, the workouts, and the weights while weight lifting.  


people say that exercise gives you energy, which i will concur with.  but at a point, it can purely kick your ass.  for example, on friday night (my rest day from the gym) i got home from work and decided to lay down for a few minutes.  you know, kick my feet up after a long work week and some really intense workouts.  i was so spent that i just laid down on the bed with my clothes from work and turned the tv on.  within 5 minutes i had to have been snoring.  i woke up about 4 hours later, just before 10 and thought, wtf!?!  


first of all, how was i that tired?  second, how did i just sleep through a meal?  UM HELLO, I LOVE FOOD!  


i guess my body was ready for the break.  i thought for a minute that maybe i was pushing myself too much but people don't die because they exercised too frequently, the die from not exercising at all and that is what i am trying to avoid!


all of these workouts have also done something else for me.  they have made me realize that you can be athletic at any size.  before this recent dedication to fitness, when colleen and i would talk i would remind her how crazy she was for things she was suggesting i do physically because i am a bigger girl.  she reminded me that i could do those things before in my life so there was no reason i couldn't do them now.  i hate to say this, and i wont be repeating myself again any time soon, but colleen was right! :)  


i can be athletic.  not only can i be athletic but i can feel healthy because of it.  the new found natural energy and positive outlook i have had recently because of the exercise is really recharging my batteries in so many ways.  one way in particular is it has released something in me that i didn't know existing.  i have titled this "thing" my "Inner Skinny Bitch".  i have felt more confident and fit in the last few weeks than i have in years.  so much so that i am confused when i look in the mirror.  i still see the outer me (the chunky but fabulous gal) but inside i feel like a skinny bitch that can take on the fitness world!


instead of fearing the gym and possible judgments that people may make about someone of my size being there... i walk in with confidence knowing that i am going to rock my workout and no one can take that away from me.  i go in there and give it my all.  i release my stress and i sweat like a pig and i don't give a fuck!  (side note: meat heads scare me, primarily, the ones clearly steroid filled... ewww&yikes!!! all at once)


my Inner Skinny Bitch has empowered me in a way i didn't know was possible.  i never thought that some time at the gym would be so good not only for my physical health, but for my mental health!


not only is my head in the game with weight watchers, but my head is in the fitness game as well.  furthermore, i have even made plans to temporarily join a different gym when i go on vacation soon.  the fact that i am thinking that vacation and workouts go in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence, is a freaking miracle.


really, where are the pigs with wings?


until next time
-your newly found Skinny Bitch
-29.2 lbs and counting!!!

I think I caught "The Sickness"

Going forward... I am going to call my recent addiction to the gym "The Sickness" because mentally I think it is wrong to feel addicted to something so healthy like the gym.  Why cant I just be addicted to something like crack cocaine?  Sheessshhhhhh!!!

So, last week, Colleen wrote me some note suggesting (read: demanding) that I sign up for personal training sessions with her hot trainer.  

The email read:  

Hey douche face 

You need to sign up to work with your favorite hottie... 

Do it or we wont be friends anymore. 

Colleen 

ps i voted for your nail lady so you owe me

To which I responded something along the lines of:

Hey fuck wad... better get me in there before my tax refund is spent... it is going fast!

Fast forward to Saturday following our Body Pump class (read: hell with weights and perky anorexic but inspiring instructor lady) I was signing up with Hot Trainer for personal training sessions.  :)  However, I did inform Hot Trainer (yes that is his new name, HOT TRAINER) that under no circumstance would I be getting on a scale in front of him or would he be measuring the size of my big round santa clause belly.  I informed him that if he required numbers for his paperwork I weigh 102 pounds and my goal weight would be 98.  I also believe Colleen and I provided him with measurements along the lines of 20 inch waist and so on.  He asked how we would track my progress and I told him to simmer down as Weight Watchers "officially" tracks my weight and I take my own measurements in the comfort of my own home.  He then asked if he could take a before and after picture.  I informed him that if he thought he was going to post before and after pictures of me anywhere for anyone to see that he was highly mistaken.  He suggested that wouldn't I want to show off all the progress we made... at which point I informed him that any progress made would be solely MY accomplishment and that no, I need not have my fat face plastered anywhere for the world to see.  

Now that we have "Melissa's Rules" established, we can move on to more important things... like getting my ass in shape.  He asked me what my goals were and I informed him that I didn't want to die.  He looked confused.  Colleen confirmed that this was the truth.  That I don't want to die from being so unhealthy.  Good thing she speaks my language and was there to translate for Hot Trainer.  Additionally, I informed him that I would like to strengthen my core (read: lose my fat jiggly santa clause belly that is going to kill me if I don't remove ASAP).  Both of these goals were written down.  

Hot Trainer then asked me what I thought was reasonable and/or my goal for workouts at the gym... and before I knew it I blurted out "I would like to work out 5 days a week for a minimum of an hour a day!"  OH FUCK... he actually heard me and wrote that down... now I am trapped.  FML.  

Ok, so now that I have inserted foot into my mouth (story of my life), there is no turning back.  Before I can retract my statement he is jotting this stuff down on a workout calendar.  We begin to decide that Saturdays I will do the Body Pump class (oh, great!) with Colleen.  And Wednesdays will be training days with Hot Trainer (read: sweat my fat ass off and be completely mortified into feeling like I need to spend 25 hours a day at the gym to be smaller before next session).  Then Colleen proceeds to suggest that there is a Spin class on Thursday nights that we could attend.  How she got me to agree to this so willingly, I am still confused.  It was like I was drugged.  I then committed to Sundays on the Bike for an hour and Tuesdays on the elepitical for 30 minutes and the treadmill for 30 minutes.  Rounding out the week was the best thing Hot Trainer suggested yet, REST DAYS!!!!  Monday & Fridays would be rest days.

So, the concept of rest days is what brings me to this post.  Last night while updating my ACTUAL calendar of workouts to bring with me to my first personal training session with Hot Trainer, it occurred to me that I had worked out 6 days last week.  Mind you, one day was the whole Turbo Kick mishap where either the instructor or I was going to die so I left and got Chipotle for dinner.  But, regardless, the fact that I even made it to the gym 6 days in the week was a huge success.  I cant remember a time, even in my much lighter days, that I went to the gym 6 days in one week.  Go ME!!!

Being Monday, it is my rest day.  But I am really feeling guilty and lazy by the thought of not making it to the gym.  This in itself is proof that it is finally clicking mentally that eating right and working out is the way that I am going to a) lose this weight, b) get healthy, and c) live a longer life.  It has taken me a long time to get my head in the game.  (proof: See Teresa, my weight watcher leader, who has seen me rejoin weight watchers on a bi-monthly basis since I moved back up north.)  I am certain that this whole weight thing, both gaining and losing, is entirely mental.  When my head is in it to win it, I succeed.  When my head is not in it for the win, I get... Um, "squishy" (read: fat and disgusting)!  So, rest day is here and I feel guilty.  Part of me is already ready for bed before 10 am so that I can in fact rest, but another part of me feels like I am just being lazy and I should go anyways.  

I consulted with my other trainer (read: Colleen) and she insists that I take today to rest.  That my body needs time to... blah blah blah.  She lost me when she said it was okay to stay home and rest.  As long as the workout Nazi (read: Colleen) is saying it is okay, I know I won't get yelled at and that is the most important thing! ;)

So, we wrapped up Saturday's little meeting with Hot Trainer by me informing him of something that I think shocked not only Hot Trainer but also workout Nazi (read: see above).  I stated that I had already researched and determined what gym I was going to get a temporary membership to when I am away on vacation in the next month to maintain my workout schedule/plan while I vacation.  This is a first.  Yes, while on vacation, I have walked with my mom and done some light exercise, but NEVER have I joined a gym temporarily to get where I ultimately want to be.  Furthermore, I have planned what workouts I will need to rearrange and when so that I can account for travel days where I probably wont have the opportunity to workout and will need to take those as my rest days.

"The Sickness" is here and I sure hope it stays.  I have a lot of work to do but I know it will be worth it in the long run.  I deserve to be healthy.  I deserve to feel fabulous.  I deserve to love my body.  And I deserve to show Hot Trainer how fabulous I look in that damn miniskirt that has been packed away in my closet for the last few years.

Bring on the workouts Hot Trainer... 

-down 26.8 lbs

-up- mentally... in the game! o_O

Bragging Rights

I forgot to brag... As of Saturday morning, I am down 25.8 pounds.  Finally hit the big 25... 75 to go before earning my Tiffany's bracelet from my ma... 


Wonder how she is doing... I might owe her hers before I know it! :)

Self Worth

I have been wanting to write this blog for some time but have struggled with the words in which to compose it.  I sit here still struggling to compose it.  I have a few paragraphs already drafted and they don't make an ounce of sense.  

Basically, those who truly know me know that I struggle with many things.  The big things are self worth and self esteem.  I have hated the way the I look for so long because of my weight that I feel that I am worthless.  Feeling worthless makes me feel that no one will ever truly love me.  Feeling worthless makes me question if I deserve love.  It makes me question if I am lovable.  I question so much and it is based solely on how I see myself on the outside.  

One thing that I don't question is how ugly I feel.  We live in a society that teaches us that thin is beauty and fat is ugly.  I have some friends that aren't stick thin that I think are stunningly beautiful but I have never seen myself as this.  I have been called "cute" when I am skinnier, but I don't remember a time when I really have ever felt beautiful. 

Unfortunately, I directly correlate my exterior looks with how I feel on the inside.  I battle myself constantly on my own self worth.  I think that I am beautiful on the inside.  I try to make the right decisions and I try to be a good friend.  I try to be there for all of those in my life regardless of what they need.  I tend to put others before myself.  It is my way of making myself feel a little better on the inside because of how much I hate the outside.  

I feel like the inside doesn't matter most of the time because the outside is so fat and ugly.  It is a horrible feeling to not want to look in the mirror, ever.  It is a horrible feeling to try to become healthy and love yourself when you have such negative thoughts about your looks.  I know that when I am healthier (read: skinnier), I will feel better about myself and my looks.  But it is hard to get there.  

Even when I have weighed less in the past, I still have never really seen myself as beautiful.  I never am one to think someone would be interested in me or think that I am pretty and want to be with me.  I remember one time being out with my mom and she asked me if I noticed this guy who was checking me out.  I thought she was being ridiculous because I never have felt or understood why someone would want me or want to check me out.  And this thought process is solely based of how I feel about my external appearance (read: size).

I want to know what it is like to love myself, both inside and out.  I want to know what it is like to truly feel beautiful.  I want to know what it is like to accept my own flaws and to love them regardless because they make me who I am.  

I don't know how to get there.  I don't know how to feel pretty.  I don't know how to feel worthy of love.  I don't know how to change.  

As part of this journey, I hope to learn to change these thoughts.  I hope to learn to love myself: flaws, cellulite, and all.  I am not sure how, but I hope this changes!

Please Note:  The last thing I want is someone to read this and post a comment about how irrational I am or to post compliments.  I am not writing this for that reason.  I am writing this for me.  This is part of my battle.  This is how I see myself.  This is how I define my self worth.  This is what I see in the mirror.   

Recovery

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries.
And its not always successful, no matter how hard we work at it.
Some wounds might never fully heal.
You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living.
Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were.
You might not even recognize yourself. 
Its like you haven't recovered anything at all.
You're a whole new person, with a whole new life.

-grey's anatomy - it's a long way back

Never Good Enough

I have experienced a lot in my 28 years of life.  Some incredible things and some not so incredible.  I have felt some of the deepest betrayals and some of the hugest heartbreaks.  I have experienced so much loss over the course of my life that at times, it seems normal.  I am almost numb to some types of loss because I have experienced so much.  It is practically laughable when bad things happen in my life, because it seems as though if it can go wrong, it will go wrong... in my life.  

When I was getting ready to go away to college, my mother told me that she feared that I would be taken advantage of and hurt as a result because of my warm heart and giving nature.  I felt that people were good hearted in nature and were out for the same basic good in life that I was.  Over the years, I have learned the hard way that not all people are like me as people have continuously taken advantage of my good hearted and caring nature. 

Recently when contacted by one of my exes, he admitted what so many have done to me over the course of my life.  "I used you."  He finally admitted that he used me after all this time.  For what, who knows and who cares.  He played me like a fool.  He was not the first but hopefully the last!  I have also had best friends that have done the same thing.  Use me for what I can provide for them and walk out the moment I am no longer considered viable.  

When you are used and walked all over to the extent that I have been, you start to question everything.  You question if it is you.  You question why.  You question if you truly deserve it.  You question if you will ever find better.  You question if you are worthy of being treated otherwise.  You question those who are still in your life and if/when they are going to do the same thing.

When I was recently contacted by my ex, it wasn't that his contact bothered me, it was the reminder of not only how poorly he treated me for so long, but it reminded me of all the times I have been treated similarly by different people throughout my life.  It brought me back to that place mentally that makes me think that I will never be good enough.  Never good enough for true love.  Never good enough for true friendship.  Never good enough for true happiness.  

That place inside me that questions if I am ever going to be good enough has been pushed aside for a long time.  I have worked on myself a great deal after moving up north.  I worked on who I am, who I want to become, and I have worked on accepting who and what I am now.  I have learned to love myself in a way to not allow to be treated poorly by others.  It has taken a great deal of work and energy to get to the place that I am now in my life and to have someone from my past walk in and bring me back to that place of Never Good Enough wasn't fair.  Not only was it not fair, it devastated me.  It destroyed me to think that I allowed people to treat me so poorly because I wanted to believe that they had good intentions when that was far from the case.  It crushed me and brought me back to the place of pain and sorrow for what I, on some level, have allowed others to do to me.  You control your own destiny.  Did I see red flags?  Most of the time, yes.  Did I try to rationalize them?  Absolutely.  Should I have run?  Most definitely!

Slipping back to the place in my soul that questions if I will ever good enough happened so quickly recently that I feared that the work I have done was possibly a facade.  Perhaps I wasn't where I thought I was.  It reminded me that the work is ongoing.  That the work will never be done.  I will always have to keep my eyes open and my guard up to make sure that I not let the shitbags in like Steven B. Young of the greater Chicago, Illinois area into my life and into my heart. 

I think what this did for me more than anything was remind me that even when I have self doubt about being good enough, I need to remind myself that I do deserve better.  I do deserve to find true love.  I do deserve true friendship.  And I do deserve true happiness.  If you don't believe in those things for yourself, who will believe in those things for you?  People say you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else or be loved by someone else.  I didn't get that for so much of my life.  I thought, ya ya, I love myself, bring on the love.  But someone who truly loves themselves, doesn't allow themselves to be treated the way I allowed myself to be treated.  Do I take responsibility for others' actions?  Heck no!  But do I need to take responsibility of my part in those relationships and for allowing them to continue for the lengths of time that I did?  Yes!

So here is to another day of working on myself and teaching myself, that I do deserve better and that I am Good Enough!  Good Enough for Love, Friendship, and Happiness!

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."  ~Abraham Lincoln

What Not To Do: Cookies for Dinner

So, as many of you are aware, one of my exes recently contacted me to apologize for his actions... For those who are not familiar with our history, one would think, ya no big deal.  However, his actions forever changed me in a way that I find hard to put into words.  

I think I genuinely loved this individual so much and had such a respect for him because he was a part of our armed forces.  He was a marine.  He was shipped off to Iraq to fight in this senseless war in the middle of our relationship.  During his deployment of about seven months, I waited faithfully for his return.  I wrote daily, sent care packages and waited patiently for the few and far between phone calls.  We chatted on IM and kept in contact via email when IM and calls did not permit.  During this time of my life, I felt that our love grew more and more because we truly got to know each other in a way that most people don't get to know one another.  When you take all physical aspects out of a relationship all you are able to do is learn about one another.  Additionally, when you add the stress that this person's return is not guaranteed, you cherish each email, each phone call, each IM chat, etc. in a way that most take for granted.  When he returned, he was different.  I couldn't put my finger on it but something wasn't right.  You know, woman's intuition.  I assumed that it was because he had just returned from war.  I don't have any idea what he went through over there.  I have no idea what it was like, the challenges he faced, the stress he was under, etc.  All I truly understood from my side was that I was so excited to have him home safe and sound.  A few months after he returned from deployment, he was discharged from the military as his time was up.  He decided to move back to Chicago, where he was from.  This devastated me because I had waited so long to be with him and he was leaving again.  And this time, with no plans to return.  When he returned to Chicago, he kept in touch with him.  Expressing his love and on a few occasions, he asked that I consider moving to be with him in Chicago.  

Around this time is when I got an email message on myspace from a girl named Jessica.  I was shocked, confused, etc. as to why this girl was contacting me, how she knew of me, etc.  I soon learned that the individual that I had been so faithful to and loved so dearly, started dating Jessica upon his return from Iraq when he lived in San Diego.  We ended up meeting for drinks one night to swap stories and this is when things completely unfolded for me.  She had done some investigating as she had access to some information she probably shouldn't have utilized for this and found that the individual that I thought I had known for so long, had a completely secret life that he had kept from me.   The person I thought I knew and grew to love so dearly, was a sham.

I still don't know the full truth as he has never expressed the full truth to me (and really, at this point, why would I have any reason to believe/trust anything he says), but the versions I have been able to conclude are as follows:  Jessica met and began dating this individual upon return from his deployment.  He impregnated Jessica and Jessica aborted the baby.  He continued contact with Jessica upon his departure and she even visited him in Chicago once during the time that he was still in contact with me.   In addition to Jessica and I, there was a lady named Rose who was involved with him.  Rose was the kicker... the big blow to Jessica and I.  Rose was married to this individual and lived in Chicago.  Rose also has a child/children with him.  The story behind Rose, the length of marriage, number of kids, etc. is unclear as I have never spoken with Rose.   While Jessica was able to provide me with the address of where he and Rose lived, I did not think that it was worth my time to contact Rose as enough of my time/life had already been wasted on this individual.  I am not sure how many other "Jessica's" there were out there, or what other truths I have not been privy to, but obviously upon learning all of the above, I cut off all ties and communication with this individual permanently.  

It took a great deal of time to heal from this experience.  It is extremely hard to mourn something that was a complete lie/sham.  He was able to pull it off because of his military status and that traveling was normal.  He was able to hide his wife from me because she lived in another state.  He spent so much time with me that I never imagined that this could even be a possibility let alone a reality.  When he returned from war, my gut told me something was going on (re: Jessica) but I didn't know of what I was feeling was him returning from war or something more.  

Over this past weekend, this individual contacted me.  The fact that he was able to contact me shocked me.  In the years that have passed since I have spoken with him, I have relocated my life, changed my phone number, changed my email address, cancelled my myspace account, etc.  Apparently, he found me on facebook (probably thanks to my unique last name) and wrote me an email apologizing for his actions.  We went back and forth a few times via e-message on facebook.  He still was not honest with me regarding everything, who knows the truth, and honestly, who cares.  I don't understand why after all this time, he contacted me.  To which he responded "Because even though I'm a shit stain on the underwear of life... I never got the chance to truly apologize" 

Receiving the communication from this individual upset me more than I would ever have thought it could, and more than it should have.  Luckily, I had a weekend filled with events and it was just the distraction I needed.  

However, when I returned home yesterday and processed the whole thing, I struggled.  It isn't that I miss him.  It isn't that I still feel for him.  It is the magnitude of his dishonesty... and it brought the whole experience to the forefront of my mind.   I am over it, have been for years, so why would he bring this up now?  I think he struggles with the magnitude of his actions.  I think he could be remorseful or could have experienced a karmic tragedy in his own life that made him rethink he actions.  Who knows and who cares. 

The reason I bring all of this up, is that this past weekend I have struggled.  I have been so good on my path and so great on reclaiming my life these past months... and yesterday, I had cookies for dinner.  I eat my emotions and I had cookies for dinner.  And since I am being completely honest, I must confess that I ate my emotions all weekend... I need not get into the details of the destruction, but concluding with cookies for dinner on Sunday night was fitting.  Cookies for dinner is not a well balanced meal.  It is not a good choice.  It is not staying on plan.  It is not reclaiming my life.  It is falling down the same path that allowed me to be with such a lying/cheating/loser to begin with.  And falling down the same path that allowed me to use food as my crutch and fat as my buffer.

So, today, I start fresh once again.  Instead of getting upset over the way I have been treated in my past and reminded of the things that I have been through, I start new.  No more cookies for dinner!  

Today I am going to make a new vow to myself:

When I begin to see that I want to eat my emotions, I vow to work them out in the gym.  

Tonight, I plan to take my sadness and anger for this individual out in the gym.  Let it be the hardest and most rewarding workout of the year!

PS.  One last thought, let karma come full circle to all those who do bad and good, respectively!