The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

why is it that the heart can be such a huge stubborn pain in the ass?

it wants what it wants, regardless of what you think should be.  it can lead you in directions that may worry you.  it can force you down a path that may not be considered the best choice.  but it forces you in these directions because it isn't satisfied until it gets what it wants.  it is like the worst craving for chocolate... times a million.

if i told myself, i'd be sitting here, all these years later... still feeling this way, i'd laugh hysterically.  i'd question why.  i'd wonder how it would even be possible.  but i'm learning that the possibilities are endless because the heart wants what the heart wants, regardless of what might be considered a good or rational decision.

my heart has recently lead me down a path that i always imagine could happen, but that i never thought would actually happen.  it scares me... tremendously!  i don't know what will happen.  i fear that it will end the same way it did before.  pure destruction of my heart.  i still don't understand how you could have caused such destruction when you were always there for me, to keep me safe, to protect me, to provide for me... all of the love i thought i ever needed.  so in some ways it still feels like i was in a bad dream when i learned the truth.  like it couldn't really have happened, because you took such good care of me, my heart, my love.  

but it is my heart that draws me back to you.  it is my heart that throws caution to the wind.  it is my heart that screams i miss you.  it is my heart that longs to be in your arms, feeling that safety, security, and love that i once felt.  it is my heart that longs for a kiss from your perfect mouth.  it is my heart that tells me he can love you now, the way you deserve, the way he deserves, in a way he was never able to before.  it is my heart that gives me butterflies at the thought of his touch.    it is my heart that tells me this will work out and will be okay.  it is my heart that has never stopped loving you.  

i hope you don't hurt me this time.  i hope you'll learn to love me as i have loved you.  i know we could be something great, at least my heart tells me so.  i hope you see it.  i hope you let me in.  i hope you trust that i'll never hurt you, never cause you harm, never make judgments regarding the demons you face, never leave your side, and never stop fighting for us.

i hope you'll be patient with me, as we sort through the destruction you once caused.  i do forgive you but we have hurdles that we'll have to work through.  i hope you think we are worth facing these hurdles head on.  i hope you'll hold my hand the whole way, because i don't know if i can ever love another man the way i loved you.  my heart screams "i love this man" but my mind screams "stop, you're living in a dream".

i hope you'll be patient.  i hope you'll let me in.  i hope you'll treat my heart with kindness and love, because after all... my heart wants what my heart wants... and that has always been you.

Listening to: Adorn - Miguel

Neva End!

Interesting...

Closed in,
Come back again!
You're here, babe.


We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna neva


We don’t wanna neva end
It’s like our life has just began
You walkin’ out, you comin’ back again
'Cause we became the best of friends
You got all the questions and I know all the answers
I done took your heart, girl, hold it up for ransom
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna


I could tell you was into me, from my instant chemistry
As I reflect memory, you ride or you die for me
I’ll go to war over you, I don’t give a fuck about showing you
You know what it is, shorty, forever my little shawty
Long as I’m swimmin’ in benjamins, you shop with no limited
You’ll see reminisce every session, know you’ll come back again
I know you can’t breathe without me, you gon’ need the oxygen
I damn near gave you an overdose on my own medicine
I took a sip of your tea and I ain’t been right ever since
As I think to myself what it be is it heaven sent
Let’s put the past behind us
And go far away where nobody can find us!


We don’t wanna neva end
It’s like our life has just began
You walkin’ out, you comin’ back again
'Cause we became the best of friends
I got all the questions, you got all the answers
I done took your heart, boy, held it up for ransom
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna


Oh, neva say neva
From the day we got together
I thought it'd be forever but, baby, oh,You showed your true colors
I can’t believe you played me
I let you meet my mother!
Oh, you hung out with my brother,
My significant other.
You know I still love you, babyOh, boy, you make me so mad,
But I just come right back
It’s like I can’t get over you,
I can’t get over you.
And the things that you do
Swear I don’t want nobody but you, baby!


Is there anything you wanna know? (do ask me)
Is there any place you'd rather be? (I know the answer)You walk until your feet get sore (watch this)
I bet you walking back
I bet you walking back to me (matter fact)
Actually that’s a guarantee (on everything)
Our friendship was guaranteed
You got my ego in another league
I ain’t tryna be cocky
I got your heart in my pocket



We don’t wanna neva end
It’s like our life has just began
You walkin’ out, you comin’ back again
'Cause we became the best of friends
I got all the questions, you got all the answers
I done took your heart, boy, held it up for ransom
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna
We don’t wanna neva end
We don’t wanna

a dedication... you know who you are!

Life Happens... Live it and keep it moving

To say the last 3+ months have been horrific, is likely an understatement of great magnitude.   Shortly after I lost my aunt in her battle against breast cancer, I rushed myself to the ER to learn that I had a significantly large kidney stone in my body... and that is where the shit hit the fan.  I will leave out the gory details as I am sure you are uninterested and I am tired of talking about it and living through it; however, the short version is I have had 2 significant surgeries, 3 minor surgical procedures, and the most horrific and long lasting pain that you can ever imagine.  Having said all of this, my life's quality had plummeted through the tubes.  I began to eat my pain away... and then I ate some more, and more after that.  I also wasn't physically able to go to the gym as I had been so faithfully going for quite some time; hell, some days I could hardly walk to the toilet.  

Thursday afternoon marked the true beginning of my recovery, after my stint was removed.  I am so excited, no, I am elated.  I can't wait to feel fully recovered and get back to my life as I knew it.  Working 40+ hours spoiling my boys at the office rotten, stressing about work and life, working out, eating healthy, scrapbooking, hanging with friends, etc.  

Having said all of this, today I spent the day doing what I would have done before the shit storm began.  I woke up this morning, went to weight watchers, met up with and worked my ass off with my trainer, came home and cleaned up, got my hair colored (just in time for Heather's wedding), ran home and baked some yummy treats, and then headed to Colleen's for a dinner party with some wonderful friends.  

This morning it felt like I was reclaiming my life back.  I had felt so out of control over my own destiny due to my circumstances these past few months.  While I was trying to make the best of things, it is hard to do with so much pain, discomfort, and physical restrictions.  Did I push myself too hard today?  MOST DEFINITELY.  Am I paying for it now with horrible pain in my right kidney.  ABSOLUTELY.  But did I enjoy myself all day and the reminder of how wonderful the simplest things in my life are?  YES!!

Today marks a new day in my life.  Today I said FUCK YOU to the kidney stone that has been my painful demise the last 3+ months.  Today I reminded myself that it is okay to fall, especially when the circumstances are completely out of your own control.  Today is symbolic for the fact that Life Happens.  Sometimes life gets in your own way and ruins your current plan.  However, at some point, you have to look at life and say, okay... enough already, lets keep it moving.  

So, I hope to continue on this road of recovery and continue living the simple, yet wonderful life that I have created for myself.  I would not have been able to get through the last 3 months without the love and support of my family and friends.  These people know how hard it is for me to ask for help, and I have sure HAD to ask for a great deal of help these past few months.  I know I have said it before and I'll say it again and again... THANK YOU.  Thanks for your support. Thanks for listening.  Thanks for being you.  Thanks for taking  me to appointments.  Thanks for holding my hand when I was scared.  Thanks for caring enough to continually check on me to make sure I was still kicking.  Thanks for your compassion.  I could go on forever, but basically, thank you for helping to save my life.  Without all of you, I honestly don't think I would have made it through this. 

I suppose I should end this blog entry now before I continue to ramble on and on.  Cheers to reclaiming my life.  Here's to the return to my blog, weight watchers, and the gym.  I have a lot of work to do... but I'm still fighting and will get there EVENTUALLY, regardless of what happens in my life.

xoxo

m

Listening to:

Andy Grammer - Keep Your Head Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILtDs0MmRHE

Best Thing I Never Had

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwMsWjrlu54

my inner skinny bitch

so it has been a few days since i have blogged last.  i have thought about it.  considered it.  but just haven't had the energy to put my thoughts on paper.  this is a good thing and a bad thing.  i have really been serious about working out and making it to the gym at least 5 days a week.  not only do i make the appearance to show face but i really have been busting my hump there.  i do a minimum of an hour workout each time i go, and i have been increasing the intensity, the workouts, and the weights while weight lifting.  


people say that exercise gives you energy, which i will concur with.  but at a point, it can purely kick your ass.  for example, on friday night (my rest day from the gym) i got home from work and decided to lay down for a few minutes.  you know, kick my feet up after a long work week and some really intense workouts.  i was so spent that i just laid down on the bed with my clothes from work and turned the tv on.  within 5 minutes i had to have been snoring.  i woke up about 4 hours later, just before 10 and thought, wtf!?!  


first of all, how was i that tired?  second, how did i just sleep through a meal?  UM HELLO, I LOVE FOOD!  


i guess my body was ready for the break.  i thought for a minute that maybe i was pushing myself too much but people don't die because they exercised too frequently, the die from not exercising at all and that is what i am trying to avoid!


all of these workouts have also done something else for me.  they have made me realize that you can be athletic at any size.  before this recent dedication to fitness, when colleen and i would talk i would remind her how crazy she was for things she was suggesting i do physically because i am a bigger girl.  she reminded me that i could do those things before in my life so there was no reason i couldn't do them now.  i hate to say this, and i wont be repeating myself again any time soon, but colleen was right! :)  


i can be athletic.  not only can i be athletic but i can feel healthy because of it.  the new found natural energy and positive outlook i have had recently because of the exercise is really recharging my batteries in so many ways.  one way in particular is it has released something in me that i didn't know existing.  i have titled this "thing" my "Inner Skinny Bitch".  i have felt more confident and fit in the last few weeks than i have in years.  so much so that i am confused when i look in the mirror.  i still see the outer me (the chunky but fabulous gal) but inside i feel like a skinny bitch that can take on the fitness world!


instead of fearing the gym and possible judgments that people may make about someone of my size being there... i walk in with confidence knowing that i am going to rock my workout and no one can take that away from me.  i go in there and give it my all.  i release my stress and i sweat like a pig and i don't give a fuck!  (side note: meat heads scare me, primarily, the ones clearly steroid filled... ewww&yikes!!! all at once)


my Inner Skinny Bitch has empowered me in a way i didn't know was possible.  i never thought that some time at the gym would be so good not only for my physical health, but for my mental health!


not only is my head in the game with weight watchers, but my head is in the fitness game as well.  furthermore, i have even made plans to temporarily join a different gym when i go on vacation soon.  the fact that i am thinking that vacation and workouts go in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence, is a freaking miracle.


really, where are the pigs with wings?


until next time
-your newly found Skinny Bitch
-29.2 lbs and counting!!!

I think I caught "The Sickness"

Going forward... I am going to call my recent addiction to the gym "The Sickness" because mentally I think it is wrong to feel addicted to something so healthy like the gym.  Why cant I just be addicted to something like crack cocaine?  Sheessshhhhhh!!!

So, last week, Colleen wrote me some note suggesting (read: demanding) that I sign up for personal training sessions with her hot trainer.  

The email read:  

Hey douche face 

You need to sign up to work with your favorite hottie... 

Do it or we wont be friends anymore. 

Colleen 

ps i voted for your nail lady so you owe me

To which I responded something along the lines of:

Hey fuck wad... better get me in there before my tax refund is spent... it is going fast!

Fast forward to Saturday following our Body Pump class (read: hell with weights and perky anorexic but inspiring instructor lady) I was signing up with Hot Trainer for personal training sessions.  :)  However, I did inform Hot Trainer (yes that is his new name, HOT TRAINER) that under no circumstance would I be getting on a scale in front of him or would he be measuring the size of my big round santa clause belly.  I informed him that if he required numbers for his paperwork I weigh 102 pounds and my goal weight would be 98.  I also believe Colleen and I provided him with measurements along the lines of 20 inch waist and so on.  He asked how we would track my progress and I told him to simmer down as Weight Watchers "officially" tracks my weight and I take my own measurements in the comfort of my own home.  He then asked if he could take a before and after picture.  I informed him that if he thought he was going to post before and after pictures of me anywhere for anyone to see that he was highly mistaken.  He suggested that wouldn't I want to show off all the progress we made... at which point I informed him that any progress made would be solely MY accomplishment and that no, I need not have my fat face plastered anywhere for the world to see.  

Now that we have "Melissa's Rules" established, we can move on to more important things... like getting my ass in shape.  He asked me what my goals were and I informed him that I didn't want to die.  He looked confused.  Colleen confirmed that this was the truth.  That I don't want to die from being so unhealthy.  Good thing she speaks my language and was there to translate for Hot Trainer.  Additionally, I informed him that I would like to strengthen my core (read: lose my fat jiggly santa clause belly that is going to kill me if I don't remove ASAP).  Both of these goals were written down.  

Hot Trainer then asked me what I thought was reasonable and/or my goal for workouts at the gym... and before I knew it I blurted out "I would like to work out 5 days a week for a minimum of an hour a day!"  OH FUCK... he actually heard me and wrote that down... now I am trapped.  FML.  

Ok, so now that I have inserted foot into my mouth (story of my life), there is no turning back.  Before I can retract my statement he is jotting this stuff down on a workout calendar.  We begin to decide that Saturdays I will do the Body Pump class (oh, great!) with Colleen.  And Wednesdays will be training days with Hot Trainer (read: sweat my fat ass off and be completely mortified into feeling like I need to spend 25 hours a day at the gym to be smaller before next session).  Then Colleen proceeds to suggest that there is a Spin class on Thursday nights that we could attend.  How she got me to agree to this so willingly, I am still confused.  It was like I was drugged.  I then committed to Sundays on the Bike for an hour and Tuesdays on the elepitical for 30 minutes and the treadmill for 30 minutes.  Rounding out the week was the best thing Hot Trainer suggested yet, REST DAYS!!!!  Monday & Fridays would be rest days.

So, the concept of rest days is what brings me to this post.  Last night while updating my ACTUAL calendar of workouts to bring with me to my first personal training session with Hot Trainer, it occurred to me that I had worked out 6 days last week.  Mind you, one day was the whole Turbo Kick mishap where either the instructor or I was going to die so I left and got Chipotle for dinner.  But, regardless, the fact that I even made it to the gym 6 days in the week was a huge success.  I cant remember a time, even in my much lighter days, that I went to the gym 6 days in one week.  Go ME!!!

Being Monday, it is my rest day.  But I am really feeling guilty and lazy by the thought of not making it to the gym.  This in itself is proof that it is finally clicking mentally that eating right and working out is the way that I am going to a) lose this weight, b) get healthy, and c) live a longer life.  It has taken me a long time to get my head in the game.  (proof: See Teresa, my weight watcher leader, who has seen me rejoin weight watchers on a bi-monthly basis since I moved back up north.)  I am certain that this whole weight thing, both gaining and losing, is entirely mental.  When my head is in it to win it, I succeed.  When my head is not in it for the win, I get... Um, "squishy" (read: fat and disgusting)!  So, rest day is here and I feel guilty.  Part of me is already ready for bed before 10 am so that I can in fact rest, but another part of me feels like I am just being lazy and I should go anyways.  

I consulted with my other trainer (read: Colleen) and she insists that I take today to rest.  That my body needs time to... blah blah blah.  She lost me when she said it was okay to stay home and rest.  As long as the workout Nazi (read: Colleen) is saying it is okay, I know I won't get yelled at and that is the most important thing! ;)

So, we wrapped up Saturday's little meeting with Hot Trainer by me informing him of something that I think shocked not only Hot Trainer but also workout Nazi (read: see above).  I stated that I had already researched and determined what gym I was going to get a temporary membership to when I am away on vacation in the next month to maintain my workout schedule/plan while I vacation.  This is a first.  Yes, while on vacation, I have walked with my mom and done some light exercise, but NEVER have I joined a gym temporarily to get where I ultimately want to be.  Furthermore, I have planned what workouts I will need to rearrange and when so that I can account for travel days where I probably wont have the opportunity to workout and will need to take those as my rest days.

"The Sickness" is here and I sure hope it stays.  I have a lot of work to do but I know it will be worth it in the long run.  I deserve to be healthy.  I deserve to feel fabulous.  I deserve to love my body.  And I deserve to show Hot Trainer how fabulous I look in that damn miniskirt that has been packed away in my closet for the last few years.

Bring on the workouts Hot Trainer... 

-down 26.8 lbs

-up- mentally... in the game! o_O