So, as many of you are aware, one of my exes recently contacted me to apologize for his actions... For those who are not familiar with our history, one would think, ya no big deal. However, his actions forever changed me in a way that I find hard to put into words.
I think I genuinely loved this individual so much and had such a respect for him because he was a part of our armed forces. He was a marine. He was shipped off to Iraq to fight in this senseless war in the middle of our relationship. During his deployment of about seven months, I waited faithfully for his return. I wrote daily, sent care packages and waited patiently for the few and far between phone calls. We chatted on IM and kept in contact via email when IM and calls did not permit. During this time of my life, I felt that our love grew more and more because we truly got to know each other in a way that most people don't get to know one another. When you take all physical aspects out of a relationship all you are able to do is learn about one another. Additionally, when you add the stress that this person's return is not guaranteed, you cherish each email, each phone call, each IM chat, etc. in a way that most take for granted. When he returned, he was different. I couldn't put my finger on it but something wasn't right. You know, woman's intuition. I assumed that it was because he had just returned from war. I don't have any idea what he went through over there. I have no idea what it was like, the challenges he faced, the stress he was under, etc. All I truly understood from my side was that I was so excited to have him home safe and sound. A few months after he returned from deployment, he was discharged from the military as his time was up. He decided to move back to Chicago, where he was from. This devastated me because I had waited so long to be with him and he was leaving again. And this time, with no plans to return. When he returned to Chicago, he kept in touch with him. Expressing his love and on a few occasions, he asked that I consider moving to be with him in Chicago.
Around this time is when I got an email message on myspace from a girl named Jessica. I was shocked, confused, etc. as to why this girl was contacting me, how she knew of me, etc. I soon learned that the individual that I had been so faithful to and loved so dearly, started dating Jessica upon his return from Iraq when he lived in San Diego. We ended up meeting for drinks one night to swap stories and this is when things completely unfolded for me. She had done some investigating as she had access to some information she probably shouldn't have utilized for this and found that the individual that I thought I had known for so long, had a completely secret life that he had kept from me. The person I thought I knew and grew to love so dearly, was a sham.
I still don't know the full truth as he has never expressed the full truth to me (and really, at this point, why would I have any reason to believe/trust anything he says), but the versions I have been able to conclude are as follows: Jessica met and began dating this individual upon return from his deployment. He impregnated Jessica and Jessica aborted the baby. He continued contact with Jessica upon his departure and she even visited him in Chicago once during the time that he was still in contact with me. In addition to Jessica and I, there was a lady named Rose who was involved with him. Rose was the kicker... the big blow to Jessica and I. Rose was married to this individual and lived in Chicago. Rose also has a child/children with him. The story behind Rose, the length of marriage, number of kids, etc. is unclear as I have never spoken with Rose. While Jessica was able to provide me with the address of where he and Rose lived, I did not think that it was worth my time to contact Rose as enough of my time/life had already been wasted on this individual. I am not sure how many other "Jessica's" there were out there, or what other truths I have not been privy to, but obviously upon learning all of the above, I cut off all ties and communication with this individual permanently.
It took a great deal of time to heal from this experience. It is extremely hard to mourn something that was a complete lie/sham. He was able to pull it off because of his military status and that traveling was normal. He was able to hide his wife from me because she lived in another state. He spent so much time with me that I never imagined that this could even be a possibility let alone a reality. When he returned from war, my gut told me something was going on (re: Jessica) but I didn't know of what I was feeling was him returning from war or something more.
Over this past weekend, this individual contacted me. The fact that he was able to contact me shocked me. In the years that have passed since I have spoken with him, I have relocated my life, changed my phone number, changed my email address, cancelled my myspace account, etc. Apparently, he found me on facebook (probably thanks to my unique last name) and wrote me an email apologizing for his actions. We went back and forth a few times via e-message on facebook. He still was not honest with me regarding everything, who knows the truth, and honestly, who cares. I don't understand why after all this time, he contacted me. To which he responded "Because even though I'm a shit stain on the underwear of life... I never got the chance to truly apologize"
Receiving the communication from this individual upset me more than I would ever have thought it could, and more than it should have. Luckily, I had a weekend filled with events and it was just the distraction I needed.
However, when I returned home yesterday and processed the whole thing, I struggled. It isn't that I miss him. It isn't that I still feel for him. It is the magnitude of his dishonesty... and it brought the whole experience to the forefront of my mind. I am over it, have been for years, so why would he bring this up now? I think he struggles with the magnitude of his actions. I think he could be remorseful or could have experienced a karmic tragedy in his own life that made him rethink he actions. Who knows and who cares.
The reason I bring all of this up, is that this past weekend I have struggled. I have been so good on my path and so great on reclaiming my life these past months... and yesterday, I had cookies for dinner. I eat my emotions and I had cookies for dinner. And since I am being completely honest, I must confess that I ate my emotions all weekend... I need not get into the details of the destruction, but concluding with cookies for dinner on Sunday night was fitting. Cookies for dinner is not a well balanced meal. It is not a good choice. It is not staying on plan. It is not reclaiming my life. It is falling down the same path that allowed me to be with such a lying/cheating/loser to begin with. And falling down the same path that allowed me to use food as my crutch and fat as my buffer.
So, today, I start fresh once again. Instead of getting upset over the way I have been treated in my past and reminded of the things that I have been through, I start new. No more cookies for dinner!
Today I am going to make a new vow to myself:
When I begin to see that I want to eat my emotions, I vow to work them out in the gym.
Tonight, I plan to take my sadness and anger for this individual out in the gym. Let it be the hardest and most rewarding workout of the year!
PS. One last thought, let karma come full circle to all those who do bad and good, respectively!
