Death

I've experienced enough death... Enough loss...
I'm tired...
I want it all to end...
Why couldn't it have been me in that fatal overturned SUV accident the other morning?
I don't want to live like this for one more day...
one more hour...
I don't know how to stop the pain...
The hurt...
Why does my mind say just end it?
I have the means. Just take it all and go to sleep...
Its not like I'd be missed...
Who in the world would miss such a mess?
I'm dead inside...
Like a walking corpse...
You used to see life in my eyes, now there's just nothing...
Its a constant battle, one shoulder a devil saying just do it, the other an angel saying don't...
The devil gets louder...
I can't hear anything but the devil...
I need to just stop being a coward...
Everyone would be better off!

that night

he took something from me that night that destroyed the carefree, warmhearted, fun, loving woman that i was.  he ruined me.  i don't want to allow him to ruin me for one more day but i don't know how to make it stop.  i try and i try but it is still there.  he's made me act out.  do things that are so stupid.  so regrettable.  what was i thinking?  putting myself at risk like that?    for what?  i know better!  he's turned me into this self hating, worthless, unlovable monster who wears a smile to pretend to others that i'm fine when i'm really fucked up and dead inside.  i'm tired of living like this, if you could even call it living!  i want it all to end!

distance

i feel the distance

not just physical

i feel something more

i ask what's wrong

the reply i get is "what?"

i don't understand

maybe you're over it

i can't be there now

you'd probably prefer i was

i can't uproot my life

without some certainty

that we will last, that you want me

too much to lose

my career, my home

my life i've created for me

maybe i've pushed

i don't mean to

i'm just trying to show i care

this is going to be work

maybe you don't want that

to work as hard as i'm willing 

i can't do this alone

if you don't want this

i hope you'll let me free

you broke my heart once

it hurts again just thinking

that you'll be gone again

i've tried to be here 

in every possible way

every way i know how

i feel like your pushing

i just want in

don't push me away

maybe you've decided

there is no future for us

i just don't know, you push

i can always tell

when something is off with you

but i don't know why now

you are there, i'm here

but there is distance

beyond the obvious

who knew

i always knew i loved him.  it was a feeling i never questioned.  it was so true.  true unconditional love.  i wasn't looking for love.  i was young.  wanted to have fun but it hit me like a ton of bricks.  it was undeniable.  i didn't want this.  i didn't want to wait while he left.  i didn't want to panic when i didn't hear from him.  i didn't imagine my friday nights at home chatting with him on instant messenger, instead of partying with friends.  but at that time, he already had my heart.  he already had my love.  what i had fought against, became my reality and it made me happier than i could have imagined.  that love filled my heart and soul with joy.  that love is a feeling that never really went away.  

i always pictured a future with him, but then came the heartbreak.  i questioned everything.  did he ever love me?  was this all a lie?  what did i do to deserve this?  why wasn't i enough for him?  what was wrong with me, that he couldn't love me as i loved him?  how could he just go?  leave and not look back.  he made it look so easy.  i wonder, was it that easy?  did he love me?  i want to think that it wasn't one sided.  there were so many questions and no answers.  i still have a lot of questions.  the same questions, still unresolved.  was all my love for nothing?

my heart... 

he always had a piece of it.  for years i tried to deny it, to try to move on, but something always held me back.  i tried to turn the heartache into anger.  i tried to be strong.  i tried to speak like the anger allowed me to move on and put him behind me, but part of my heart was always with him.  i knew he moved on.  i knew i was just a memory to him.  i knew he was over me.  i knew he had found new love, or was with an old love, or whatever.  but he didn't love me.  i don't think a part of my heart resided with him, as his did with me.  i couldn't control that he had moved on.  he made a choice to leave.  he made a choice that wasn't me.  he made a choice that showed me that i wasn't enough.  i wasn't the love he wanted.  i wasn't the woman he loved.  i wasn't worth fighting for.  that concept still breaks my heart when i think about it.  but again, he still had a piece of my heart, even after all that.

i reached out to him because he still had a piece of my heart.  i thought if i could get some answers, to all the unresolved issues, maybe he could answer some of my questions, and my heart could be free.  free to love again.  free to be loved by someone who thought i was worthy.  someone who wanted to love me like i love them.  someone to want to spend everyday with.  someone that wants to love me and have a family with me.  someone to complete my one true wish in life.  to find my one true love and to have a family with that man.  i've accomplished so much on my own, but my heart still longs for the love.  for that companionship.  i refuse to settle.  but i still am looking for him.

i didn't really get the answers i was looking for. i'm not really sure i even really asked much to get those answers.  i'm not sure i wanted to the answers after all.  my heart still wonders some of the questions.  but it isn't worth going backwards.  going backwards wont change anything.  it wont undo the pain.  i want to move forward.  

given that he still had part of my heart, we started talking again, as friends.  i didn't really realize what was happening at the time.  i didn't question it.  i went with it.  what did i have to lose? and ultimately it felt so right.  felt so true.  the same part of my heart that always loved him took over.  i allowed it to lead the way.  i didn't question why or what i was doing, i simply followed along.  slowly our friendly banter turned into something more.  something special.  something more romantic.  more flirting.  it felt so right and i continued to allow my heart to lead the way.

i've always been the type to try to follow my mind, being fearful that my heard would lead me down the wrong path.  but this time i didn't.  i allowed my heart to fully guide me down this path to this man that i once loved more than anything in this world.  i now stand beside this man, on this road, happier than i've been in years.  my heart seems to know what it is doing.  this friendship has slowly turned into something more.  those feelings are coming back.  he's reminding me daily as to how i fell in love with him the first time.  his tender heart.  his wit.  his sense of humor.  his ability to calm me down when i get so wound up.  his ability to put me at ease, at peace, when i'm in the darkest place.  his intelligence.  his kindness.  and his caring for me.  its all coming back and it feel so right, so true.

i'm scared.  in my mind, the man that i fell in love with the first time would never hurt me the way he did.  but it is as if all of that is gone.  i've forgiven in a way that i never knew was imaginable.  the forgiveness has helped me to heal and i hope that it will help him to forgive as well.  i find myself slowly falling for this man again.  i can picture that future i once saw with him.  and this time it seems more real than ever.  it seems more special.  it seems like we are actually adult enough to truly embrace this.  to embrace one another and to truly love and respect each other in a grown relationship.

he's told me that he could see me meeting his mother.  that thought made my soul smile.  he's saying the things i'd always wished he'd said so long ago.  he says them and i believe with my everything that they are true.  that he really feels these things for me.  it is okay that it comes now because i don't think we were ready before.  and the truth is, the only thing that matters is that it is here now.

every morning i wake up smiling, thinking about the day with him.  not physically, but emotionally.  we've been building this bond that seems so real.  so secure.  so true.  so honest.  he looks at me without judgement.  we've accepted the fact that we aren't perfect, but this might actually work.  we've got so many similarities from our personalities to our demons and beyond.  when i don't hear from him for a while, i worry about him.  i miss him constantly.  i find myself daydreaming about him.  i find myself thinking about what our future could hold and the happiness we could bring to each others lives. 

this time, i feel that he might actually be able to love me the way i once loved him.  and i know that i can truly love him again.  this time completely, unconditionally.  this time, i don't want to give up without a fight.  i know that he and i are meant to be.  none of this would be happening if it weren't.  i strongly believe that this is all happening for a reason that is beyond our understanding.  

i want to continue to follow my heart.  i don't think it will lead me down the wrong path.  i hope that what is meant to be will be.  i know this time we'll either make it, or i'll be provided with the closure in my heart that i've never received.  i strongly believe that we are both in each other's lives now because this is the path that we are meant to be on.  i look forward to holding his hand so tightly as we walk down this path together.  i look forward to opportunity to possibly love this man once again with my everything.  i look forward to this man looking into my eyes and truly feeling the forgiveness i have for him and the love that i can feel for him if we get there.  i look forward to this man continuing to make each day better and better.  i look forward to meeting this man's family.  i look forward to the idea of spending my life with this man.  and while all of this is scary, i'm okay.  i'm going to embrace what comes as it comes.  and i'll be okay if things don't pan out the way i see them.  i'll be okay either way because i know that i've tried.  i'm opening up my heart once more, to this amazing man, to see if we can love each other truly.  and if for some reason we fail, i know that we'll have both tried and that is all that i could ever wish for.

i'm so grateful for this man.  for these feelings.  for this blessing.  for allowing me back in even when he had such doubts, such fears.  for opening his mind, his heart, his life to me.  for opening up his soul to me and slowly allowing me in.  i know it isn't easy for him.  lord do i know this.  but i feel that he's opened up to me more in the past couple months than he had in our entire relationship before.  i'm so happy that this man is in my life and i just hope that i'm able to provide him the same happiness he brings to my life each and every day.  i look forward to seeing where this path takes us and have faith that following my heart was the best gift i could have given to myself, and given to us.  i hope i am afforded the opportunity to love this man again, because i know this love could be something great!  something that could change our lives forever.     

the future

i see you... with me

i see you... earning my parents forgiveness

i see you... holding my hand

i see you.... kissing my forehead

i see you... sleeping so sound next to me

i see you... helping me cook dinner

i see you... laughing with me

i see you... distracting me from the laundry

i see you... taking out the trash

i see you... waking up next to me

i see you.... picking me up when i am down

i see you... holding me tight when we are cuddled up on the couch

i see you... kissing me goodbye in the morning before work

i see you... playing with our kids (me embracing yours as my own)

i see you... smiling back at me

i see you... as my protector

i see you... as my strength

i see you... as my light when it is so dark

i see you... as the reason i wake up with a smile

i see you... as my lover

i see you... as my best friend

i see you... as my husband

i see you... as the best choice i've ever made

i see you... making me the happiest woman in the world

i see you... loving me the way i've always wanted

i see you... giving me the life i've always dreamed of

i see you... giving me the family i've always wanted

i see me... loving you with all that i've got to give anyone

i see me... proving to you that we were meant to be from the begining

i see me... making you the happiest man on earth

i see me... brightening your life, forever

i hope you see this as a possiblity for our future

Crazy Girl...

Baby why you wanna cry?

You really oughta know that I
Just have to walk away sometimes
We're gonna do what lovers do
We're gonna have a fight or two
But I ain't ever changin' my mind

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
And I wouldn't dream of goin' nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Wouldn't last a single day
I'd probably just fade away
Without you, I'd lose my mind
Before you ever came along
I was livin' life all wrong
Smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of goin' nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Like crazy girl

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of goin' nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately,
I love you like

Crazy, girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of goin' nowhere
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl

Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy
Crazy girl
Like crazy

The darkness...

The darkness... It comes and goes, uncontrollable, unwanted, unwelcome. It's a feeling neither of us can explain, but the pain and misery affects us both.

In the darkness, you begin to let me in.
You inform me that its here, things aren't ok.

In the darkness, you still don't feel safe.
You aren't willing to show me what you see.

In the darkness, you push me away.
You push as your defense mechanism, I'm still here.

In the darkness, you're not alone.
You see, I'm in the darkness too.

In the darkness, we experience the same hurt, sadness.
Your darkness is different than mine, but hurts the same.

In the darkness, you showed me the light.
You gave me a gift no one's ever been able to give.

In the darkness, I'm here by your side.
You just let me know when you want to take my hand.

In the darkness, I'll never let you be alone.
You can count on me to pick up the pieces.

In the darkness, I know you're afraid.
You need to remember, it will pass, will be ok.

In the darkness, you want to call it quits.
You must hold on for all those who love you.

In the darkness, your mind plays tricks on you.
Your mind tries to bring you down, don't listen to what it says.

In the darkness, you'll never be alone again.
You open your heart and please let me in.

The darkness... torture, scary, deep, painful. It's a place I wish we've never been or never have to return. However, it is part of our lives so have faith that with each other, two people who really understand the darkness, we can get thru this together.

I'll be here to lift you up when you are down. I'll be here when you want to be left alone, waiting for when you want me again. I'll be here when your heart realizes it's ok to let me in. I'll be here when your defense mechanism is to keep pushing me away, confident that the day will come when you know that that mechanism is no longer needed with me. I'll be here when you just want to sit in the darkness in silence, holding you tight to protect you from the pain. Most of all, I'll be here forever... Regardless of everything. I'll be here, by your side, as long as you'll allow me to be here. I offer you my heart, my soul, my body, my all. I just want you to accept my offer, because I know the darkness can diminish if we face it together.

All my love,
xoxoxoxoxo

I'm scared...

If I come to you with a question, I want an answer.
I ask because I'm unsure, or need reassurance.

Don't push me away when I ask you a question.
I ask you because my heart cares and longs for you.

When you respond this way, it looks like you're hiding things.
Do you want to pick a fight just so you can win?

When you're not forth coming with things, it scares me.
Without open communication, we have nothing.

When I get scared and ask a silly question, I need you.
Have compassion, answer my question, put my fears at ease.

Don't shut down because I've asked a question.
That's when I need you most, to open up to me.

everyday, you remind me...

you remind me each day

how to make my heart smile

how to make me laugh

how your laugh infects my soul

you remind me each day

that you're there by my side

that you'll pick me up when i fall

that things will be okay, because you're here

you remind me each day

why i fell in love the first time

why i waited patiently for you

why i never fully let you go

you remind me each day

that forgiveness is moving forward

that opening my heart is okay

that you'll not hurt me again

you remind me each day

to be the true me

to not sweat the small stuff

to let you in and give you my all

you remind me each day

how incredible you are

how well we connect

how i want to love you again

you remind me each day

that it's okay to cry

that this is where i want to be

that you're not going to leave

i want to remind you everyday

to forgive yourself 

to believe in yourself

to open up your heart to me

i want to remind you everyday

i'll never place judgement

i'll never break your heart

i'll never leave your side

I'm leaving... I'm waiting...

our eyes meet and lock

a draw I've never felt before

you approach, we talk

numbers exchanged

excited... i hope you call

surprised, you call... we connect

we have a blast

so compatible, inseparable

you tell me...

don't get close, i'm leaving

i say okay

my heart falls hard

you continue to fill my soul with joy

my heart with love

you act like you're mine but tell me...

don't get close, i'm leaving

by the time it comes

i'm head over heals in love

you tell me...

don't get close, i'm leaving

you say goodbye

i say no

you say don't wait for me

i say, i'm waiting

you say don't wait for me, live your life

i say, i'm waiting

you leave

i begin to wait

shit, this sucks

you're gone

we keep in touch

emails exchanges

instant message conversations

three days pass... no contact

sick. feel so sick. he's hurt, he's gone... my love

contact received

breathe, melissa breathe

phone attached like an appendage

drop everything when it rings, you're there

overwhelmed with joy

my love... you're safe

care packages sent

your days a bit brighter

we grow closer, all we have is this

i fall deeper, so much deeper in love

i picture our future when you return,

you say don't, i'm leaving

i want to be your one and only

scared to tell you, scared you'll run

i still wait

shit, this sucks

you return

you're here, but you're not

something's not right

i attribute it to war

i've no idea what its' done to my love

i'm patient, but scared

something's just not right

i pray you'll open up

you shut me down

you tell me...

stop, i'm leaving

i say no, don't leave me

take me with you

i want you forever

you shut me down

you keep pushing me away

you say, i'm leaving

i want to be your wife

you don't understand

you decide destruction

destruction is easier, she'll hate me

it doesn't work

i love you too much

you eventually destroy it all

and you say, i'm leaving

my heart breaks

a loss like none i've ever felt

you come to me, hug and kiss

you say goodbye, i'm destroyed

you leave

we cant stop, i cant stop

i need you like a drug

emails, texts, calls

i cant break free, you have my heart

email received, i don't know who she is

she knows me.  i don't understand

meet me for drinks?  i comply.  

we meet.  she destroys my everything

its all a lie.  NO! not the man i love!

she has proof.  he's been with her

there's more, it's worse!

i'm the other woman

i call, i scream, i yell

i curse, i cry, i'm done

destruction... heartbreak doesn't describe it

worse than any pain i've ever felt

how could you?  why?  

you have no real answers, not that i hear

our love...

all a lie.  

our truth...

all a lie.

i still love you

you're gone

we continue

i can't stop

you tell me to come

move to be with you

you're not serious

i am

destruction again... it's over.  

i'm dead inside.  destroyed

time passes

i try to move on

heart never the same, never healed

drunk to numb the pain

that's when it happens.  life changes forever

i try to shake you

still can't.  how long could this possibly last?  i need you

years pass

you reach out

you apologize, i still love you

i say more hateful things

try to convince myself i don't love you

i'm mean enough

you go away

my heart still aches

i still love you

more time passes

heart never healed

don't think i'll ever stop loving you

i reach out, able to find you

day 1, nothing.  day 2, nothing.  day 3, 4...

email received.  it's you

heart stops.  he's here.  why?

do i tell you?  

my heart's not healed, my heart's still yours

we start again

forgiveness fills my soul

we start as friends, small talk

turns to deeper conversations

a better understanding of what you've done

maybe our love wasn't all a lie, maybe you did love me?

beyond the separation with her,

i learn that the local fling was to break me

if i hated you, you could leave

easy for you, hard for me

you threw the line.  i took the bait

i let you leave, without my fight

i know you aren't that man

just a victim of broken heart that lead to poor choices

we continue to get to know each other again

its there, the connection, the draw

i want to look you in the eyes

tell you, i forgive you

my heart starts to race again

i feel it happening.  i'm scared

i'm mature enough to realize what you did

you kept me at a distance on purpose

all the leaving, all the destruction

you weren't ready to love me the way i needed

i have faith you're there now

even when you doubt yourself

i see a future with you

happiness like before.  before the destruction

we needed the destruction 

to grow.  to appreciate each other.  to have a fighting chance

i know now, you say i'm leaving

it's a defense... keep people at a distance

i wont accept it this time

i'll fight for you, for us

i stand in front of you

filled with forgiveness

i stand here with an open heart

ready to love you again

i stand here ready for love

ready for all of the ups and downs

you can say i'm leaving

but i'm waiting

this time i wait

i fight. i stay

it wont be easy.  we have challenges ahead

but if you are by my side, we can do this

i have the faith in you, in us

we can be great

i know you can give me what i want

you can make me happy and i can you

you can tell me you're leaving

but i'm waiting

i wont give up, my heart is in

i'm ready for the fight

no expectations, you will not fail

just take care of me, you'll prove yourself wrong

let me in

you're not leaving

i wont let you

i'm waiting

this time

you left me

i waited

you left me again

i gave up

this time

i wont let you leave 

i offer you my forgiveness

i offer you my heart

i offer you me, all of me

i only ask that you let me in

give us a fighting chance

please don't say i'm leaving

because i'm here waiting

i'm waiting for you to open your heart to me

i'm waiting for you to let me in

i'm waiting for you to allow me to love you again

i'm waiting for you to love me 

i'm waiting to make you happy

i'm waiting to see if you'll be mine, forever

i'm waiting, in hopes, that you don't try to leave me

xoxo

dark thoughts... dark spaces

You're not alone 

I'm here 

Let me in? 

No 

I'll wait for you 

I'm here 

Look in the mirror 

I see you 

We're the same 

Just different demons 

She broke your heart 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

You broke my heart

To lessen the pain 

Self destruction 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

It broke your heart again 

I've forgiven, it's your turn 

You're not alone 

I'm here 

Let me in? 

No 

I'll wait for you 

I'm here 

I'll prove to you 

I'll be here 

Through it all 

Good times and bad 

Your demons or mine 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

Please let me in 

I want to love you 

I'll help you through 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

Trust me I won't hurt you 

Forgive yourself, let me love you 

You're not alone 

I'm here 

Let me in? 

No 

I'll wait for you 

I'm here 

You push 

Try so hard 

Push me away 

Start a fight, its easier

Your demons win 

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

This time you push 

I know better

I don't let your demons win

Dark thoughts, dark spaces 

I won't leave your side

Just let me love you 

You're not alone 

I'm here 

Let me in? 

No 

I'll wait for you 

I can't wait forever

_________________

I miss you. xoxo