i always knew i loved him. it was a feeling i never questioned. it was so true. true unconditional love. i wasn't looking for love. i was young. wanted to have fun but it hit me like a ton of bricks. it was undeniable. i didn't want this. i didn't want to wait while he left. i didn't want to panic when i didn't hear from him. i didn't imagine my friday nights at home chatting with him on instant messenger, instead of partying with friends. but at that time, he already had my heart. he already had my love. what i had fought against, became my reality and it made me happier than i could have imagined. that love filled my heart and soul with joy. that love is a feeling that never really went away.
i always pictured a future with him, but then came the heartbreak. i questioned everything. did he ever love me? was this all a lie? what did i do to deserve this? why wasn't i enough for him? what was wrong with me, that he couldn't love me as i loved him? how could he just go? leave and not look back. he made it look so easy. i wonder, was it that easy? did he love me? i want to think that it wasn't one sided. there were so many questions and no answers. i still have a lot of questions. the same questions, still unresolved. was all my love for nothing?
my heart...
he always had a piece of it. for years i tried to deny it, to try to move on, but something always held me back. i tried to turn the heartache into anger. i tried to be strong. i tried to speak like the anger allowed me to move on and put him behind me, but part of my heart was always with him. i knew he moved on. i knew i was just a memory to him. i knew he was over me. i knew he had found new love, or was with an old love, or whatever. but he didn't love me. i don't think a part of my heart resided with him, as his did with me. i couldn't control that he had moved on. he made a choice to leave. he made a choice that wasn't me. he made a choice that showed me that i wasn't enough. i wasn't the love he wanted. i wasn't the woman he loved. i wasn't worth fighting for. that concept still breaks my heart when i think about it. but again, he still had a piece of my heart, even after all that.
i reached out to him because he still had a piece of my heart. i thought if i could get some answers, to all the unresolved issues, maybe he could answer some of my questions, and my heart could be free. free to love again. free to be loved by someone who thought i was worthy. someone who wanted to love me like i love them. someone to want to spend everyday with. someone that wants to love me and have a family with me. someone to complete my one true wish in life. to find my one true love and to have a family with that man. i've accomplished so much on my own, but my heart still longs for the love. for that companionship. i refuse to settle. but i still am looking for him.
i didn't really get the answers i was looking for. i'm not really sure i even really asked much to get those answers. i'm not sure i wanted to the answers after all. my heart still wonders some of the questions. but it isn't worth going backwards. going backwards wont change anything. it wont undo the pain. i want to move forward.
given that he still had part of my heart, we started talking again, as friends. i didn't really realize what was happening at the time. i didn't question it. i went with it. what did i have to lose? and ultimately it felt so right. felt so true. the same part of my heart that always loved him took over. i allowed it to lead the way. i didn't question why or what i was doing, i simply followed along. slowly our friendly banter turned into something more. something special. something more romantic. more flirting. it felt so right and i continued to allow my heart to lead the way.
i've always been the type to try to follow my mind, being fearful that my heard would lead me down the wrong path. but this time i didn't. i allowed my heart to fully guide me down this path to this man that i once loved more than anything in this world. i now stand beside this man, on this road, happier than i've been in years. my heart seems to know what it is doing. this friendship has slowly turned into something more. those feelings are coming back. he's reminding me daily as to how i fell in love with him the first time. his tender heart. his wit. his sense of humor. his ability to calm me down when i get so wound up. his ability to put me at ease, at peace, when i'm in the darkest place. his intelligence. his kindness. and his caring for me. its all coming back and it feel so right, so true.
i'm scared. in my mind, the man that i fell in love with the first time would never hurt me the way he did. but it is as if all of that is gone. i've forgiven in a way that i never knew was imaginable. the forgiveness has helped me to heal and i hope that it will help him to forgive as well. i find myself slowly falling for this man again. i can picture that future i once saw with him. and this time it seems more real than ever. it seems more special. it seems like we are actually adult enough to truly embrace this. to embrace one another and to truly love and respect each other in a grown relationship.
he's told me that he could see me meeting his mother. that thought made my soul smile. he's saying the things i'd always wished he'd said so long ago. he says them and i believe with my everything that they are true. that he really feels these things for me. it is okay that it comes now because i don't think we were ready before. and the truth is, the only thing that matters is that it is here now.
every morning i wake up smiling, thinking about the day with him. not physically, but emotionally. we've been building this bond that seems so real. so secure. so true. so honest. he looks at me without judgement. we've accepted the fact that we aren't perfect, but this might actually work. we've got so many similarities from our personalities to our demons and beyond. when i don't hear from him for a while, i worry about him. i miss him constantly. i find myself daydreaming about him. i find myself thinking about what our future could hold and the happiness we could bring to each others lives.
this time, i feel that he might actually be able to love me the way i once loved him. and i know that i can truly love him again. this time completely, unconditionally. this time, i don't want to give up without a fight. i know that he and i are meant to be. none of this would be happening if it weren't. i strongly believe that this is all happening for a reason that is beyond our understanding.
i want to continue to follow my heart. i don't think it will lead me down the wrong path. i hope that what is meant to be will be. i know this time we'll either make it, or i'll be provided with the closure in my heart that i've never received. i strongly believe that we are both in each other's lives now because this is the path that we are meant to be on. i look forward to holding his hand so tightly as we walk down this path together. i look forward to opportunity to possibly love this man once again with my everything. i look forward to this man looking into my eyes and truly feeling the forgiveness i have for him and the love that i can feel for him if we get there. i look forward to this man continuing to make each day better and better. i look forward to meeting this man's family. i look forward to the idea of spending my life with this man. and while all of this is scary, i'm okay. i'm going to embrace what comes as it comes. and i'll be okay if things don't pan out the way i see them. i'll be okay either way because i know that i've tried. i'm opening up my heart once more, to this amazing man, to see if we can love each other truly. and if for some reason we fail, i know that we'll have both tried and that is all that i could ever wish for.
i'm so grateful for this man. for these feelings. for this blessing. for allowing me back in even when he had such doubts, such fears. for opening his mind, his heart, his life to me. for opening up his soul to me and slowly allowing me in. i know it isn't easy for him. lord do i know this. but i feel that he's opened up to me more in the past couple months than he had in our entire relationship before. i'm so happy that this man is in my life and i just hope that i'm able to provide him the same happiness he brings to my life each and every day. i look forward to seeing where this path takes us and have faith that following my heart was the best gift i could have given to myself, and given to us. i hope i am afforded the opportunity to love this man again, because i know this love could be something great! something that could change our lives forever.
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