-21 Weekly Points

so, we all have our ups and downs... 

good weeks and bad weeks...

many of you know that i have been fighting stomach problems for about a week.  actually, i have been fighting my stomach my whole life, but this is different.  i've been having really uncomfortable cramping, etc.  i will stay out of the details in order to spare you!

i am learning that when i really don't feel well, i want anything to make me feel better including all things junk food.  i had myself some chocolate covered pretzels and a huge sandwich on sunday.  on monday, i had chipotle for dinner.  yesterday, i had a hearty snack of cheese-its for breakfast... and for dinner, a well balanced meal of fried chicken and curly fries from jack in the box, and yes, with ranch dipping sauce, DUH!

so, it is wednesday, and i am over my weekly additional points allowance by 21 points.  some might see this as a defeat.  i am trying to see and use it as a learning experience.  

first, i am learning that i truly eat because of emotion.  lets face it, that part i know.  but not just knowing it, so much as acknowledging it in the moment that i am eating for emotional reasons and not because of hunger itself.  i am learning that all that crap doesn't really taste as good as i thought it would.  i am learning to track the points instead of giving up because i went over.

i have decided to take this "mishap" and see it as not only a learning experience but also as feedback.  i will take this week's results in stride knowing that i went over and that it is normal to slip at times.  

additionally, i am trying to motivate myself to get to the gym to earn back some of the points that i have already indulged in.  i have every intention of going to the gym tonight and tomorrow night.  these are intentions... not definites, but now that i am putting it in writing i am sure i will look like an asshole if i don't go, so i probably will go just so that i don't look/feel like "that" asshole.  also, on friday and saturday i have plans to work it out with colleen at colleen's seriously inferior gym, as my location rocks my socks but she isn't VIP-ness enough to get into mine.  and yes, i am making fun of her and her location because she seriously embarrassed me in front of her hot trainer this past weekend and had the nerve to suggest that i work out with him.  

UM, YA-HELL-NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

the last thing i need to do is spend $50+ an hour on a hunk to make me want to kill him for the torture and me for the embarrassment of the whole thing!

well enough of that, just needed to vent.  we all slip up at times, but it is what you do with the experience that i suppose really matters.  check back to soon to see if i make it to the gym the next four days... will keep you posted

-20.8 lbs


wednesday gym update: 
made it to the gym.  32 minutes on the precor at high intensity. +10 points.  weekly status total: still -11 points


thursday gym update: 28 minutes on the precor at high intensity. +9 points.  weekly status total: -4 points


friday gym update: missed the gym, life happens... hopefully tomorrow will be different!


saturday gym update: made it to Zumba at the gym for a nice long hour work out.  it was such a blast.  +19 points.  


ended week in the positive instead of the negative.  yay

It's Never Too Late...

I found an interesting quote online today and thought it was all too perfect. 

 

"It's never too late to become the person you might have been."- George Elliot

 

This is too true.  You can always change the path you are on to become the person you might have been, and/or, the person you want to be.   I have been on a changed path for more than two months, and continue to change my path each and everyday.  It is a concious decision that I make every morning that I wake.  It is a new day.  This day that I am blessed to live.  Make it the best day possible!

Just thought it was an awesome quote and worth sharing! :)

Do You Have Enough 'Me' Time? Results: Time Out!

So, I "liked" a whole bunch of crap on facebook last week and I forgot that all the things you "like" can post things on your wall unless you opt out once you see their posts.  So, I totally forgot this and when I hacked into facebook from trabajo (yes, sly incognito Spanish words will cover my @$$), I saw a posting from Weight Watchers.  It was a quiz regarding if you make enough "me" time.  I kind of laughed as I touched base on something similar fairly recently on my blog.  So, I took myself some "me" time and answered their 8 questions and much to my surprise (NOT), here were my results:

"Short on time, long on work, everyone you know seems to need a piece of you — no wonder you often feel drained and exhausted by the end of the day. You're so busy you may not even realize your battery is running on low. You definitely deserve some serious time out. But your old nemesis "guilt" keeps you taking on more than you can manage. Let go of that useless emotion! Learn to say "no" and then schedule in "Me Time." Try meditating, journaling, walking, soaking in a sudsy tub. Whatever helps you relax, take it to the max!"

While the quiz was accurate and stated the obvious, I loved how they attempted to resolve the problem by providing the insightful suggestion: "Learn to say 'no' and then schedule in 'Me Time.'"  If it were only that easy, none of us would be rundown.  While I believe the quiz was meant to be useful and eye opening, I have a sneaky suspicion that most people who took the quiz knew what their results would be before starting.  Furthermore, if they knew simply how to say "no" and schedule more "me time" that they wouldn't even need a silly quiz to inform them of the obvious.

With this said, the quiz did reaffirm to me why my guest room still looks more like a moving dungeon and less like a room for guests.  Perhaps I shall just start shouting "NO" to people at work, pack up for the day, head home, and work on my guest room.  

Your thoughts?

Mine: While a lovely idea, I am doubtful it will fly around here.  Thus I sit, and work, and push off the guest room to another day knowing that if it weren't for this job that absorbs so much of my time and energy, I would not be able to afford such a room for guests that currently resembles a moving dungeon.

To future guests:  Please be patient with me! :)


-down 20.0 lbs

My Ring

For the first time in a couple years, my ring is freely spinning around my finger.


'nuff said!

Life is a Struggle

A while ago, a friend of mine posted a blog that ended with this quote:  

"Life is a struggle.  The struggle is never going to go away, it's just how you manage it and how you deal with it." ~Bob (Biggest Loser trainer)

The quote truly spoke to me in a way that I find hard to even express with words.  It couldn't be more suited to me on this journey.  My life has been filled with struggles and blessings.  However, we often find ourselves focused on the struggles as those are harder to deal with.  

The struggles in life will never go away, but you have the choice on how to deal with the struggles you are faced with.  I dealt with the assault struggles in several was.  Lots of therapy, medication, food, etc!  I now realized I was using the food as a coping mechanism and shield.  It has been a buffer.  I have misused it.  Bob's statement is so true... the struggle is never going to go away.  It will always be a part of who I am.  Some days will be, and are, better than others.  Some days I will have, and have had, nightmares where I relive that horrific night.  Other people's actions, while harmless in nature to them, will trigger things that remind me of that night.  But regardless, I am finally taking back my life and making the conscious decision to manage and deal with these struggles differently going forward.  I have learned that ignoring that the struggles exist is not the way to deal with them.  I have learned that eating away my struggles, as comforting and delicious as it may be, is not the way to deal with them.  I am currently working on ways on how to deal with life's struggles...

Do I know all the answers on how to cope with the struggles on this journey that I am on?  Absolutely not!  But will I at least think of these words, food is not my solution, and attempt to make better decisions going forward?  Absolutely!


-down 18.6

You Have Such a Pretty Face

To brighten your mood:

So again, while reading the Jen Lancaster book "Such a Pretty Fat", I came across a part where she was talking to her girlfriend about how people tell fat people that they have such a pretty face as if it were a compliment to cover up the fact that they are round and plump and delightful! 

She notes:

"The best part is how people say it like like maybe you didn't notice you had great cheekbones and a huge ass.  Or flawless skin and a handful of back fat.  I wonder if people think weight is like a piece of spinach caught in  our teeth and we wouldn't have known about if they hadn't been kind enough to inform us."

I just thought this was too funny not to share, and oh so true.  

To the skinnies of the world: 

We are aware that we have a huge ass, a handful (or two) of back fat, and that our weight is an issue.  

We either: 
a. don't care to address it
b. are comfortable in our own skin
c. use food for comfort 
d. are trying to do something about it
e. all of the above


xoxo m

Getting Real: The Gym

So recently, I blogged about joining a gym... and I did just that.  I was so proud of myself that I worked out that day and never returned.  Something just didn't feel right.  I couldn't return.  It wasn't that I was lazy, which would normally be the excuse.  It wasn't that I didn't like the gym, it is a wonderful new facility.  But it was something deeper than that.  I couldn't pinpoint what the problem was and I had ideas as to what it might be, but nothing that I was certain about.

Yesterday, while on my lunch break, I ate my healthy lunch and continued to read the book that Colleen had lent me titled "Such a Pretty Fat".  I was reading, and laughing, as Jen Lancaster is hysterical, when I came across the following.  She was talking about a local pool that she hadn't been to in years that she final decided to go swim at:

"As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years.  I never came here before because I was afraid I'd make a fool out of myself by not having the endurance to complete a lap.  The swimming wasn't what scared me; failure was."

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I feared the gym.  The day that I signed up, I really didn't really stay too long and didn't really do too much.  It wasn't like I feared the gym in the sense that the machines were going to bite me.  I feared failing.  I feared getting on the machines and not being able to actually do it.  I feared that I would once again be the fat girl that everyone looked at in disgust.  I feared that I would get all sweaty and my underarm flab would practically knock out the person next to me.  I feared that everyone there would be fit and in shape and I would be the fat girl that clearly needed to be there, but really had no place existing among those healthy individuals that frequented the gym.  I feared all of these things and I feared failing and not losing this weight, especially because I have made this quest and challenge so public.  I expressed a bit of my concern to Colleen prior to reading this and she told me I was being ridiculous in a caring and gentle way.  She was right.  It was ridiculous, but it didn't make it any less scary.

After reading this excerpt, I started to really think.  I didn't want to continuously not go to the gym because I was fearful. I thought that I wasn't going to get to where I want to be physically if I don't work out and go to the gym.  Reading that the author had put these feeling into writing really hit home.  It validated me in a way.  It reaffirmed that I wasn't alone in these thoughts and fears.  However, not only did I realize that I was being ridiculous but I was reminded that if I don't ever try to face my fears, I won't ever get over them.

When I was young, my father got me a sign that I hung on my closet door that read: "you don't know what you can do until you try".  I have carried this mantra/motto with me over the years through many aspects in life regarding college, moving away from home, moving back up north on my own, getting new jobs, the half marathon, etc.   Once again, I needed to put this into motion.

Her simple excerpt, inspired me to go to the gym last night.  Not only to go to the gym but to really push myself.  This journey is going to be anything but comfortable and easy.  You don't lose weight the way that you put it on.  So, last night at the gym, I did 30 minutes on the elypitical trainer.  (For all you skinny bitches, this is a big damn deal for a big girl!)  Now this seems like a small task to most, but I put it on the automatic weight loss button which had me going at 10 elevation with 8 resistance for more than half of the time.  I struggled, but I kept with it.  And just when I was thinking I could run free to the front door, and by run I mean walk gingerly, and head home, the automatic 5 minute cool down began.  Instead of leaping off like I so desired, I continued on and finished the cool down.  

I felt a great sense of accomplishment that I went and faced my fears.  Are all of my fears gone?  Absolutely not.  But I faced the gym during its most busy time... and guess what, I didn't slap anyone in the face with my underarm flab, my thunder thighs did not attack any strangers (although they may have said "hey hey heyyyy" to a couple of hunks), and I was able to do a decent workout that pushed my own limits.  

I do still fear failure, but I am not going to let my fears stop me from getting where I want to be.  

Until next time...

Current Weight Loss: 17.2 lbs

This Precious Life

Most of my blog entries are selfish in nature and focus on me and my journey through life.  It is a very therapeutic escape for me as I started this skill during the therapy sessions that immediately followed the assault.  I find that even if my gibberish does not affect anyone else, it is at least a great release for me.  I know this sounds selfish but it is probably the one thing that I find truly helps me and the one place where I really put me first.  


This afternoon I was taking a short break from work and catching up on the latest news on cnn.com as I typically do to see what events that I may have missed.  I came across a story that hit far too close to home (link included below).  It was about a teenager who died suddenly immediately following his layup that won the game for his basketball team.  The story hit so close to home because I lost a dear friend when I was 13.  Many of those who are close to me know the story at length and know that I have felt remorse for many years because she lost her life too soon.  She had called me the night before she died and I cut the call really short as I had homework to do.  For many years, I held on to so much remorse for cutting the call so short as it was the last time I would ever speak with her.


This article reminded me not only of my own personally tragedy but it reminded me once again that we are not promised tomorrow.  No one is guaranteed a next breath.  Our life can be cut short at any time for any reason.  So I take this moment to remind you, my friends and family, to try not to leave things unresolved.  Try to remember that this precious life that we often take for granted can be removed from us without warning.  Live this life the best way you know how and try to cherish every last breath because you never know when this life will end.  


This topic does come full circle with regards to my new journey and weight loss.  I know that if I don't lose this weight, I will die.  Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but way sooner than I want.  So once again, I will eat my 9 point lunch and snack on my 0 point fruits and veggies knowing that I am doing what I need to do to live my best life and to not be another statistic of obesity taking a life too soon.


To my friends and family: once again, I love you more than you know.  I cherish everything that each one of you brings to my life.  Thank you for accepting me unconditionally, flaws and all!  Thank you for picking me up when I am down.  Thank you for making me laugh when I cant see the light.  Thank you (Colleen) for knowing when something is wrong even when I have said nothing and doing what ever it takes to put a smile on my face.  I would not be the woman I am today without all of your love and support!  xoxo -m  


http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/03/04/michigan.basketball.death/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn

Such a Pretty Fat

I thought I would write again... it has been a few days and I wanted to keep you all up to speed on my journey.  For the record, I am still in the game! :)

I did mostly meet my goal from my last blog.  The goals were:

1.  This week I will find a gym I like and join it.  

2.  I will do 2 workouts at said gym that I join this week.

I did find a gym I liked and joined it.  

I did 1 actual gym workout instead of 2.  

However, I did some serious workouts around the house that I had been putting off for quite some time... sealing the grout of all the tile in my house.  I know this sounds like a simple task, and it is.  However, it is very time consuming and takes a great deal out of you.  I considered it "activity" as weight watchers defines it, because it is something beyond my normal daily tasks, sweat a great deal, and figured that over 4 hours of sealing grout and cleaning the house counted for something.  

Additionally, Colleen lent me a book titled "Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover if Her Life Makes her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie is Not the Answer" by Jen Lancaster.  When Colleen lent it to me, she told me to make this book a priority.  Some may thing, what does she mean by that?  Well, you see, Colleen lends me many books.  The first, I read, couldn't put down, and returned in a very timely manner.  Since then, she has lent me probably 5+ books.  None of which I have finished.  All of which are still in my possession.  And all of which she would probably like back sooner than later, but let's face it, many are still packed from the move.  So, the least I could do is actually move this newly loaned book to the front of the pile (since the remainder of the pile I can't currently locate) and start reading.  What a better way to spend a day of Jury Duty than with Jen Lancaster.  This book is incredibly funny and motivating at the same time.  She says what all of us are thinking if you have ever been weight conscious or tried to loose weight.  Furthermore, her humor is right up my alley.  She even writes letters to her neighbors from a fake home owner's association she has created to complain about shit.  LOVES IT!!!  

Last night I started to watch a weight loss show called Shedding for the Wedding.  As we all know, I have a bitter taste in my mouth regarding weddings; however, since I went to high school with one of the contestants, I wanted to watch it just to be nosy.   While incredibly extreme (and appearing to be very unhealthy regarding the speed at which such weight loss is being achieved), I was almost motivated to get off the couch and go to the gym after watching it.  LOL.  But I didn't, I headed to bed and continued to read.  

This evening my new gym is offering a class that looks really interesting.  It is called Dance Party Extreme.  I thought that even though I will probably look like "an ass" and "the fat girl", I am going to try it out tonight.  I will keep you all posted... via blog, not youtube video... don't get carried away now!

Alright, that is pretty much where I am at at this point.  

Week 8

Current Weight Loss: 15.4

Goals Reached: 5%