So recently, I blogged about joining a gym... and I did just that. I was so proud of myself that I worked out that day and never returned. Something just didn't feel right. I couldn't return. It wasn't that I was lazy, which would normally be the excuse. It wasn't that I didn't like the gym, it is a wonderful new facility. But it was something deeper than that. I couldn't pinpoint what the problem was and I had ideas as to what it might be, but nothing that I was certain about.
Yesterday, while on my lunch break, I ate my healthy lunch and continued to read the book that Colleen had lent me titled "Such a Pretty Fat". I was reading, and laughing, as Jen Lancaster is hysterical, when I came across the following. She was talking about a local pool that she hadn't been to in years that she final decided to go swim at:
"As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years. I never came here before because I was afraid I'd make a fool out of myself by not having the endurance to complete a lap. The swimming wasn't what scared me; failure was."
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I feared the gym. The day that I signed up, I really didn't really stay too long and didn't really do too much. It wasn't like I feared the gym in the sense that the machines were going to bite me. I feared failing. I feared getting on the machines and not being able to actually do it. I feared that I would once again be the fat girl that everyone looked at in disgust. I feared that I would get all sweaty and my underarm flab would practically knock out the person next to me. I feared that everyone there would be fit and in shape and I would be the fat girl that clearly needed to be there, but really had no place existing among those healthy individuals that frequented the gym. I feared all of these things and I feared failing and not losing this weight, especially because I have made this quest and challenge so public. I expressed a bit of my concern to Colleen prior to reading this and she told me I was being ridiculous in a caring and gentle way. She was right. It was ridiculous, but it didn't make it any less scary.
After reading this excerpt, I started to really think. I didn't want to continuously not go to the gym because I was fearful. I thought that I wasn't going to get to where I want to be physically if I don't work out and go to the gym. Reading that the author had put these feeling into writing really hit home. It validated me in a way. It reaffirmed that I wasn't alone in these thoughts and fears. However, not only did I realize that I was being ridiculous but I was reminded that if I don't ever try to face my fears, I won't ever get over them.
When I was young, my father got me a sign that I hung on my closet door that read: "you don't know what you can do until you try". I have carried this mantra/motto with me over the years through many aspects in life regarding college, moving away from home, moving back up north on my own, getting new jobs, the half marathon, etc. Once again, I needed to put this into motion.
Her simple excerpt, inspired me to go to the gym last night. Not only to go to the gym but to really push myself. This journey is going to be anything but comfortable and easy. You don't lose weight the way that you put it on. So, last night at the gym, I did 30 minutes on the elypitical trainer. (For all you skinny bitches, this is a big damn deal for a big girl!) Now this seems like a small task to most, but I put it on the automatic weight loss button which had me going at 10 elevation with 8 resistance for more than half of the time. I struggled, but I kept with it. And just when I was thinking I could run free to the front door, and by run I mean walk gingerly, and head home, the automatic 5 minute cool down began. Instead of leaping off like I so desired, I continued on and finished the cool down.
I felt a great sense of accomplishment that I went and faced my fears. Are all of my fears gone? Absolutely not. But I faced the gym during its most busy time... and guess what, I didn't slap anyone in the face with my underarm flab, my thunder thighs did not attack any strangers (although they may have said "hey hey heyyyy" to a couple of hunks), and I was able to do a decent workout that pushed my own limits.
I do still fear failure, but I am not going to let my fears stop me from getting where I want to be.
Until next time...
Current Weight Loss: 17.2 lbs
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