a dedication... you know who you are!

Life Happens... Live it and keep it moving

To say the last 3+ months have been horrific, is likely an understatement of great magnitude.   Shortly after I lost my aunt in her battle against breast cancer, I rushed myself to the ER to learn that I had a significantly large kidney stone in my body... and that is where the shit hit the fan.  I will leave out the gory details as I am sure you are uninterested and I am tired of talking about it and living through it; however, the short version is I have had 2 significant surgeries, 3 minor surgical procedures, and the most horrific and long lasting pain that you can ever imagine.  Having said all of this, my life's quality had plummeted through the tubes.  I began to eat my pain away... and then I ate some more, and more after that.  I also wasn't physically able to go to the gym as I had been so faithfully going for quite some time; hell, some days I could hardly walk to the toilet.  

Thursday afternoon marked the true beginning of my recovery, after my stint was removed.  I am so excited, no, I am elated.  I can't wait to feel fully recovered and get back to my life as I knew it.  Working 40+ hours spoiling my boys at the office rotten, stressing about work and life, working out, eating healthy, scrapbooking, hanging with friends, etc.  

Having said all of this, today I spent the day doing what I would have done before the shit storm began.  I woke up this morning, went to weight watchers, met up with and worked my ass off with my trainer, came home and cleaned up, got my hair colored (just in time for Heather's wedding), ran home and baked some yummy treats, and then headed to Colleen's for a dinner party with some wonderful friends.  

This morning it felt like I was reclaiming my life back.  I had felt so out of control over my own destiny due to my circumstances these past few months.  While I was trying to make the best of things, it is hard to do with so much pain, discomfort, and physical restrictions.  Did I push myself too hard today?  MOST DEFINITELY.  Am I paying for it now with horrible pain in my right kidney.  ABSOLUTELY.  But did I enjoy myself all day and the reminder of how wonderful the simplest things in my life are?  YES!!

Today marks a new day in my life.  Today I said FUCK YOU to the kidney stone that has been my painful demise the last 3+ months.  Today I reminded myself that it is okay to fall, especially when the circumstances are completely out of your own control.  Today is symbolic for the fact that Life Happens.  Sometimes life gets in your own way and ruins your current plan.  However, at some point, you have to look at life and say, okay... enough already, lets keep it moving.  

So, I hope to continue on this road of recovery and continue living the simple, yet wonderful life that I have created for myself.  I would not have been able to get through the last 3 months without the love and support of my family and friends.  These people know how hard it is for me to ask for help, and I have sure HAD to ask for a great deal of help these past few months.  I know I have said it before and I'll say it again and again... THANK YOU.  Thanks for your support. Thanks for listening.  Thanks for being you.  Thanks for taking  me to appointments.  Thanks for holding my hand when I was scared.  Thanks for caring enough to continually check on me to make sure I was still kicking.  Thanks for your compassion.  I could go on forever, but basically, thank you for helping to save my life.  Without all of you, I honestly don't think I would have made it through this. 

I suppose I should end this blog entry now before I continue to ramble on and on.  Cheers to reclaiming my life.  Here's to the return to my blog, weight watchers, and the gym.  I have a lot of work to do... but I'm still fighting and will get there EVENTUALLY, regardless of what happens in my life.

xoxo

m

Listening to:

Andy Grammer - Keep Your Head Up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILtDs0MmRHE

Best Thing I Never Had

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwMsWjrlu54

my inner skinny bitch

so it has been a few days since i have blogged last.  i have thought about it.  considered it.  but just haven't had the energy to put my thoughts on paper.  this is a good thing and a bad thing.  i have really been serious about working out and making it to the gym at least 5 days a week.  not only do i make the appearance to show face but i really have been busting my hump there.  i do a minimum of an hour workout each time i go, and i have been increasing the intensity, the workouts, and the weights while weight lifting.  


people say that exercise gives you energy, which i will concur with.  but at a point, it can purely kick your ass.  for example, on friday night (my rest day from the gym) i got home from work and decided to lay down for a few minutes.  you know, kick my feet up after a long work week and some really intense workouts.  i was so spent that i just laid down on the bed with my clothes from work and turned the tv on.  within 5 minutes i had to have been snoring.  i woke up about 4 hours later, just before 10 and thought, wtf!?!  


first of all, how was i that tired?  second, how did i just sleep through a meal?  UM HELLO, I LOVE FOOD!  


i guess my body was ready for the break.  i thought for a minute that maybe i was pushing myself too much but people don't die because they exercised too frequently, the die from not exercising at all and that is what i am trying to avoid!


all of these workouts have also done something else for me.  they have made me realize that you can be athletic at any size.  before this recent dedication to fitness, when colleen and i would talk i would remind her how crazy she was for things she was suggesting i do physically because i am a bigger girl.  she reminded me that i could do those things before in my life so there was no reason i couldn't do them now.  i hate to say this, and i wont be repeating myself again any time soon, but colleen was right! :)  


i can be athletic.  not only can i be athletic but i can feel healthy because of it.  the new found natural energy and positive outlook i have had recently because of the exercise is really recharging my batteries in so many ways.  one way in particular is it has released something in me that i didn't know existing.  i have titled this "thing" my "Inner Skinny Bitch".  i have felt more confident and fit in the last few weeks than i have in years.  so much so that i am confused when i look in the mirror.  i still see the outer me (the chunky but fabulous gal) but inside i feel like a skinny bitch that can take on the fitness world!


instead of fearing the gym and possible judgments that people may make about someone of my size being there... i walk in with confidence knowing that i am going to rock my workout and no one can take that away from me.  i go in there and give it my all.  i release my stress and i sweat like a pig and i don't give a fuck!  (side note: meat heads scare me, primarily, the ones clearly steroid filled... ewww&yikes!!! all at once)


my Inner Skinny Bitch has empowered me in a way i didn't know was possible.  i never thought that some time at the gym would be so good not only for my physical health, but for my mental health!


not only is my head in the game with weight watchers, but my head is in the fitness game as well.  furthermore, i have even made plans to temporarily join a different gym when i go on vacation soon.  the fact that i am thinking that vacation and workouts go in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence, is a freaking miracle.


really, where are the pigs with wings?


until next time
-your newly found Skinny Bitch
-29.2 lbs and counting!!!

I think I caught "The Sickness"

Going forward... I am going to call my recent addiction to the gym "The Sickness" because mentally I think it is wrong to feel addicted to something so healthy like the gym.  Why cant I just be addicted to something like crack cocaine?  Sheessshhhhhh!!!

So, last week, Colleen wrote me some note suggesting (read: demanding) that I sign up for personal training sessions with her hot trainer.  

The email read:  

Hey douche face 

You need to sign up to work with your favorite hottie... 

Do it or we wont be friends anymore. 

Colleen 

ps i voted for your nail lady so you owe me

To which I responded something along the lines of:

Hey fuck wad... better get me in there before my tax refund is spent... it is going fast!

Fast forward to Saturday following our Body Pump class (read: hell with weights and perky anorexic but inspiring instructor lady) I was signing up with Hot Trainer for personal training sessions.  :)  However, I did inform Hot Trainer (yes that is his new name, HOT TRAINER) that under no circumstance would I be getting on a scale in front of him or would he be measuring the size of my big round santa clause belly.  I informed him that if he required numbers for his paperwork I weigh 102 pounds and my goal weight would be 98.  I also believe Colleen and I provided him with measurements along the lines of 20 inch waist and so on.  He asked how we would track my progress and I told him to simmer down as Weight Watchers "officially" tracks my weight and I take my own measurements in the comfort of my own home.  He then asked if he could take a before and after picture.  I informed him that if he thought he was going to post before and after pictures of me anywhere for anyone to see that he was highly mistaken.  He suggested that wouldn't I want to show off all the progress we made... at which point I informed him that any progress made would be solely MY accomplishment and that no, I need not have my fat face plastered anywhere for the world to see.  

Now that we have "Melissa's Rules" established, we can move on to more important things... like getting my ass in shape.  He asked me what my goals were and I informed him that I didn't want to die.  He looked confused.  Colleen confirmed that this was the truth.  That I don't want to die from being so unhealthy.  Good thing she speaks my language and was there to translate for Hot Trainer.  Additionally, I informed him that I would like to strengthen my core (read: lose my fat jiggly santa clause belly that is going to kill me if I don't remove ASAP).  Both of these goals were written down.  

Hot Trainer then asked me what I thought was reasonable and/or my goal for workouts at the gym... and before I knew it I blurted out "I would like to work out 5 days a week for a minimum of an hour a day!"  OH FUCK... he actually heard me and wrote that down... now I am trapped.  FML.  

Ok, so now that I have inserted foot into my mouth (story of my life), there is no turning back.  Before I can retract my statement he is jotting this stuff down on a workout calendar.  We begin to decide that Saturdays I will do the Body Pump class (oh, great!) with Colleen.  And Wednesdays will be training days with Hot Trainer (read: sweat my fat ass off and be completely mortified into feeling like I need to spend 25 hours a day at the gym to be smaller before next session).  Then Colleen proceeds to suggest that there is a Spin class on Thursday nights that we could attend.  How she got me to agree to this so willingly, I am still confused.  It was like I was drugged.  I then committed to Sundays on the Bike for an hour and Tuesdays on the elepitical for 30 minutes and the treadmill for 30 minutes.  Rounding out the week was the best thing Hot Trainer suggested yet, REST DAYS!!!!  Monday & Fridays would be rest days.

So, the concept of rest days is what brings me to this post.  Last night while updating my ACTUAL calendar of workouts to bring with me to my first personal training session with Hot Trainer, it occurred to me that I had worked out 6 days last week.  Mind you, one day was the whole Turbo Kick mishap where either the instructor or I was going to die so I left and got Chipotle for dinner.  But, regardless, the fact that I even made it to the gym 6 days in the week was a huge success.  I cant remember a time, even in my much lighter days, that I went to the gym 6 days in one week.  Go ME!!!

Being Monday, it is my rest day.  But I am really feeling guilty and lazy by the thought of not making it to the gym.  This in itself is proof that it is finally clicking mentally that eating right and working out is the way that I am going to a) lose this weight, b) get healthy, and c) live a longer life.  It has taken me a long time to get my head in the game.  (proof: See Teresa, my weight watcher leader, who has seen me rejoin weight watchers on a bi-monthly basis since I moved back up north.)  I am certain that this whole weight thing, both gaining and losing, is entirely mental.  When my head is in it to win it, I succeed.  When my head is not in it for the win, I get... Um, "squishy" (read: fat and disgusting)!  So, rest day is here and I feel guilty.  Part of me is already ready for bed before 10 am so that I can in fact rest, but another part of me feels like I am just being lazy and I should go anyways.  

I consulted with my other trainer (read: Colleen) and she insists that I take today to rest.  That my body needs time to... blah blah blah.  She lost me when she said it was okay to stay home and rest.  As long as the workout Nazi (read: Colleen) is saying it is okay, I know I won't get yelled at and that is the most important thing! ;)

So, we wrapped up Saturday's little meeting with Hot Trainer by me informing him of something that I think shocked not only Hot Trainer but also workout Nazi (read: see above).  I stated that I had already researched and determined what gym I was going to get a temporary membership to when I am away on vacation in the next month to maintain my workout schedule/plan while I vacation.  This is a first.  Yes, while on vacation, I have walked with my mom and done some light exercise, but NEVER have I joined a gym temporarily to get where I ultimately want to be.  Furthermore, I have planned what workouts I will need to rearrange and when so that I can account for travel days where I probably wont have the opportunity to workout and will need to take those as my rest days.

"The Sickness" is here and I sure hope it stays.  I have a lot of work to do but I know it will be worth it in the long run.  I deserve to be healthy.  I deserve to feel fabulous.  I deserve to love my body.  And I deserve to show Hot Trainer how fabulous I look in that damn miniskirt that has been packed away in my closet for the last few years.

Bring on the workouts Hot Trainer... 

-down 26.8 lbs

-up- mentally... in the game! o_O

Bragging Rights

I forgot to brag... As of Saturday morning, I am down 25.8 pounds.  Finally hit the big 25... 75 to go before earning my Tiffany's bracelet from my ma... 


Wonder how she is doing... I might owe her hers before I know it! :)

Self Worth

I have been wanting to write this blog for some time but have struggled with the words in which to compose it.  I sit here still struggling to compose it.  I have a few paragraphs already drafted and they don't make an ounce of sense.  

Basically, those who truly know me know that I struggle with many things.  The big things are self worth and self esteem.  I have hated the way the I look for so long because of my weight that I feel that I am worthless.  Feeling worthless makes me feel that no one will ever truly love me.  Feeling worthless makes me question if I deserve love.  It makes me question if I am lovable.  I question so much and it is based solely on how I see myself on the outside.  

One thing that I don't question is how ugly I feel.  We live in a society that teaches us that thin is beauty and fat is ugly.  I have some friends that aren't stick thin that I think are stunningly beautiful but I have never seen myself as this.  I have been called "cute" when I am skinnier, but I don't remember a time when I really have ever felt beautiful. 

Unfortunately, I directly correlate my exterior looks with how I feel on the inside.  I battle myself constantly on my own self worth.  I think that I am beautiful on the inside.  I try to make the right decisions and I try to be a good friend.  I try to be there for all of those in my life regardless of what they need.  I tend to put others before myself.  It is my way of making myself feel a little better on the inside because of how much I hate the outside.  

I feel like the inside doesn't matter most of the time because the outside is so fat and ugly.  It is a horrible feeling to not want to look in the mirror, ever.  It is a horrible feeling to try to become healthy and love yourself when you have such negative thoughts about your looks.  I know that when I am healthier (read: skinnier), I will feel better about myself and my looks.  But it is hard to get there.  

Even when I have weighed less in the past, I still have never really seen myself as beautiful.  I never am one to think someone would be interested in me or think that I am pretty and want to be with me.  I remember one time being out with my mom and she asked me if I noticed this guy who was checking me out.  I thought she was being ridiculous because I never have felt or understood why someone would want me or want to check me out.  And this thought process is solely based of how I feel about my external appearance (read: size).

I want to know what it is like to love myself, both inside and out.  I want to know what it is like to truly feel beautiful.  I want to know what it is like to accept my own flaws and to love them regardless because they make me who I am.  

I don't know how to get there.  I don't know how to feel pretty.  I don't know how to feel worthy of love.  I don't know how to change.  

As part of this journey, I hope to learn to change these thoughts.  I hope to learn to love myself: flaws, cellulite, and all.  I am not sure how, but I hope this changes!

Please Note:  The last thing I want is someone to read this and post a comment about how irrational I am or to post compliments.  I am not writing this for that reason.  I am writing this for me.  This is part of my battle.  This is how I see myself.  This is how I define my self worth.  This is what I see in the mirror.   

Recovery

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries.
And its not always successful, no matter how hard we work at it.
Some wounds might never fully heal.
You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living.
Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were.
You might not even recognize yourself. 
Its like you haven't recovered anything at all.
You're a whole new person, with a whole new life.

-grey's anatomy - it's a long way back

Never Good Enough

I have experienced a lot in my 28 years of life.  Some incredible things and some not so incredible.  I have felt some of the deepest betrayals and some of the hugest heartbreaks.  I have experienced so much loss over the course of my life that at times, it seems normal.  I am almost numb to some types of loss because I have experienced so much.  It is practically laughable when bad things happen in my life, because it seems as though if it can go wrong, it will go wrong... in my life.  

When I was getting ready to go away to college, my mother told me that she feared that I would be taken advantage of and hurt as a result because of my warm heart and giving nature.  I felt that people were good hearted in nature and were out for the same basic good in life that I was.  Over the years, I have learned the hard way that not all people are like me as people have continuously taken advantage of my good hearted and caring nature. 

Recently when contacted by one of my exes, he admitted what so many have done to me over the course of my life.  "I used you."  He finally admitted that he used me after all this time.  For what, who knows and who cares.  He played me like a fool.  He was not the first but hopefully the last!  I have also had best friends that have done the same thing.  Use me for what I can provide for them and walk out the moment I am no longer considered viable.  

When you are used and walked all over to the extent that I have been, you start to question everything.  You question if it is you.  You question why.  You question if you truly deserve it.  You question if you will ever find better.  You question if you are worthy of being treated otherwise.  You question those who are still in your life and if/when they are going to do the same thing.

When I was recently contacted by my ex, it wasn't that his contact bothered me, it was the reminder of not only how poorly he treated me for so long, but it reminded me of all the times I have been treated similarly by different people throughout my life.  It brought me back to that place mentally that makes me think that I will never be good enough.  Never good enough for true love.  Never good enough for true friendship.  Never good enough for true happiness.  

That place inside me that questions if I am ever going to be good enough has been pushed aside for a long time.  I have worked on myself a great deal after moving up north.  I worked on who I am, who I want to become, and I have worked on accepting who and what I am now.  I have learned to love myself in a way to not allow to be treated poorly by others.  It has taken a great deal of work and energy to get to the place that I am now in my life and to have someone from my past walk in and bring me back to that place of Never Good Enough wasn't fair.  Not only was it not fair, it devastated me.  It destroyed me to think that I allowed people to treat me so poorly because I wanted to believe that they had good intentions when that was far from the case.  It crushed me and brought me back to the place of pain and sorrow for what I, on some level, have allowed others to do to me.  You control your own destiny.  Did I see red flags?  Most of the time, yes.  Did I try to rationalize them?  Absolutely.  Should I have run?  Most definitely!

Slipping back to the place in my soul that questions if I will ever good enough happened so quickly recently that I feared that the work I have done was possibly a facade.  Perhaps I wasn't where I thought I was.  It reminded me that the work is ongoing.  That the work will never be done.  I will always have to keep my eyes open and my guard up to make sure that I not let the shitbags in like Steven B. Young of the greater Chicago, Illinois area into my life and into my heart. 

I think what this did for me more than anything was remind me that even when I have self doubt about being good enough, I need to remind myself that I do deserve better.  I do deserve to find true love.  I do deserve true friendship.  And I do deserve true happiness.  If you don't believe in those things for yourself, who will believe in those things for you?  People say you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else or be loved by someone else.  I didn't get that for so much of my life.  I thought, ya ya, I love myself, bring on the love.  But someone who truly loves themselves, doesn't allow themselves to be treated the way I allowed myself to be treated.  Do I take responsibility for others' actions?  Heck no!  But do I need to take responsibility of my part in those relationships and for allowing them to continue for the lengths of time that I did?  Yes!

So here is to another day of working on myself and teaching myself, that I do deserve better and that I am Good Enough!  Good Enough for Love, Friendship, and Happiness!

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."  ~Abraham Lincoln

What Not To Do: Cookies for Dinner

So, as many of you are aware, one of my exes recently contacted me to apologize for his actions... For those who are not familiar with our history, one would think, ya no big deal.  However, his actions forever changed me in a way that I find hard to put into words.  

I think I genuinely loved this individual so much and had such a respect for him because he was a part of our armed forces.  He was a marine.  He was shipped off to Iraq to fight in this senseless war in the middle of our relationship.  During his deployment of about seven months, I waited faithfully for his return.  I wrote daily, sent care packages and waited patiently for the few and far between phone calls.  We chatted on IM and kept in contact via email when IM and calls did not permit.  During this time of my life, I felt that our love grew more and more because we truly got to know each other in a way that most people don't get to know one another.  When you take all physical aspects out of a relationship all you are able to do is learn about one another.  Additionally, when you add the stress that this person's return is not guaranteed, you cherish each email, each phone call, each IM chat, etc. in a way that most take for granted.  When he returned, he was different.  I couldn't put my finger on it but something wasn't right.  You know, woman's intuition.  I assumed that it was because he had just returned from war.  I don't have any idea what he went through over there.  I have no idea what it was like, the challenges he faced, the stress he was under, etc.  All I truly understood from my side was that I was so excited to have him home safe and sound.  A few months after he returned from deployment, he was discharged from the military as his time was up.  He decided to move back to Chicago, where he was from.  This devastated me because I had waited so long to be with him and he was leaving again.  And this time, with no plans to return.  When he returned to Chicago, he kept in touch with him.  Expressing his love and on a few occasions, he asked that I consider moving to be with him in Chicago.  

Around this time is when I got an email message on myspace from a girl named Jessica.  I was shocked, confused, etc. as to why this girl was contacting me, how she knew of me, etc.  I soon learned that the individual that I had been so faithful to and loved so dearly, started dating Jessica upon his return from Iraq when he lived in San Diego.  We ended up meeting for drinks one night to swap stories and this is when things completely unfolded for me.  She had done some investigating as she had access to some information she probably shouldn't have utilized for this and found that the individual that I thought I had known for so long, had a completely secret life that he had kept from me.   The person I thought I knew and grew to love so dearly, was a sham.

I still don't know the full truth as he has never expressed the full truth to me (and really, at this point, why would I have any reason to believe/trust anything he says), but the versions I have been able to conclude are as follows:  Jessica met and began dating this individual upon return from his deployment.  He impregnated Jessica and Jessica aborted the baby.  He continued contact with Jessica upon his departure and she even visited him in Chicago once during the time that he was still in contact with me.   In addition to Jessica and I, there was a lady named Rose who was involved with him.  Rose was the kicker... the big blow to Jessica and I.  Rose was married to this individual and lived in Chicago.  Rose also has a child/children with him.  The story behind Rose, the length of marriage, number of kids, etc. is unclear as I have never spoken with Rose.   While Jessica was able to provide me with the address of where he and Rose lived, I did not think that it was worth my time to contact Rose as enough of my time/life had already been wasted on this individual.  I am not sure how many other "Jessica's" there were out there, or what other truths I have not been privy to, but obviously upon learning all of the above, I cut off all ties and communication with this individual permanently.  

It took a great deal of time to heal from this experience.  It is extremely hard to mourn something that was a complete lie/sham.  He was able to pull it off because of his military status and that traveling was normal.  He was able to hide his wife from me because she lived in another state.  He spent so much time with me that I never imagined that this could even be a possibility let alone a reality.  When he returned from war, my gut told me something was going on (re: Jessica) but I didn't know of what I was feeling was him returning from war or something more.  

Over this past weekend, this individual contacted me.  The fact that he was able to contact me shocked me.  In the years that have passed since I have spoken with him, I have relocated my life, changed my phone number, changed my email address, cancelled my myspace account, etc.  Apparently, he found me on facebook (probably thanks to my unique last name) and wrote me an email apologizing for his actions.  We went back and forth a few times via e-message on facebook.  He still was not honest with me regarding everything, who knows the truth, and honestly, who cares.  I don't understand why after all this time, he contacted me.  To which he responded "Because even though I'm a shit stain on the underwear of life... I never got the chance to truly apologize" 

Receiving the communication from this individual upset me more than I would ever have thought it could, and more than it should have.  Luckily, I had a weekend filled with events and it was just the distraction I needed.  

However, when I returned home yesterday and processed the whole thing, I struggled.  It isn't that I miss him.  It isn't that I still feel for him.  It is the magnitude of his dishonesty... and it brought the whole experience to the forefront of my mind.   I am over it, have been for years, so why would he bring this up now?  I think he struggles with the magnitude of his actions.  I think he could be remorseful or could have experienced a karmic tragedy in his own life that made him rethink he actions.  Who knows and who cares. 

The reason I bring all of this up, is that this past weekend I have struggled.  I have been so good on my path and so great on reclaiming my life these past months... and yesterday, I had cookies for dinner.  I eat my emotions and I had cookies for dinner.  And since I am being completely honest, I must confess that I ate my emotions all weekend... I need not get into the details of the destruction, but concluding with cookies for dinner on Sunday night was fitting.  Cookies for dinner is not a well balanced meal.  It is not a good choice.  It is not staying on plan.  It is not reclaiming my life.  It is falling down the same path that allowed me to be with such a lying/cheating/loser to begin with.  And falling down the same path that allowed me to use food as my crutch and fat as my buffer.

So, today, I start fresh once again.  Instead of getting upset over the way I have been treated in my past and reminded of the things that I have been through, I start new.  No more cookies for dinner!  

Today I am going to make a new vow to myself:

When I begin to see that I want to eat my emotions, I vow to work them out in the gym.  

Tonight, I plan to take my sadness and anger for this individual out in the gym.  Let it be the hardest and most rewarding workout of the year!

PS.  One last thought, let karma come full circle to all those who do bad and good, respectively!

Dedication: Jar of Hearts Song

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love
I loved the most


And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time


Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?


I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms


And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time


Who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?


Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back


Who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Runnin' round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

Mama Song

Random:


one of my favorite songs is a song by Carrie Underwood called Mama's Song... Here are the lyrics and below is a link...

Mama, you taught me to do the right things

So now you have to let your baby fly

You've given me everything that I will need

To make it through this crazy thing called life

And I know you watched me grow up

And only want what's best for me

And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good

He treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me

Giving me away is not goodbye

As you watch me walk down to my future

I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

'Cause he is good, so good

And he treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

And when I watch my baby grow up

I'll only want what's best for her

And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers

And that she'll say

He is good, so good

And he treats your little girl like a real man should

He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps

No he's never gonna leave me

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpFW4Yhy08k

Zumba

Tonight I am going to my first ever Zumba class.  :)


What should I expect, besides laughing hysterically with Colleen?  


Will keep you all posted on what this experience is like.  Wish me luck!


Update:                                                                                       
So, Colleen and I didn't make it to Zumba Friday night; however, I made it to Zumba on Saturday morning and learned a few things!


1.  I <3 Zumba!!!  Who knew exercise could be so fun?
2.  I think I met my gay husband!
3.  Zumba + Melissa = Sweet Addiction
4.  If you haven't ever tried a Zumba class, you are missing out on life!


-22.4 lbs.

-21 Weekly Points

so, we all have our ups and downs... 

good weeks and bad weeks...

many of you know that i have been fighting stomach problems for about a week.  actually, i have been fighting my stomach my whole life, but this is different.  i've been having really uncomfortable cramping, etc.  i will stay out of the details in order to spare you!

i am learning that when i really don't feel well, i want anything to make me feel better including all things junk food.  i had myself some chocolate covered pretzels and a huge sandwich on sunday.  on monday, i had chipotle for dinner.  yesterday, i had a hearty snack of cheese-its for breakfast... and for dinner, a well balanced meal of fried chicken and curly fries from jack in the box, and yes, with ranch dipping sauce, DUH!

so, it is wednesday, and i am over my weekly additional points allowance by 21 points.  some might see this as a defeat.  i am trying to see and use it as a learning experience.  

first, i am learning that i truly eat because of emotion.  lets face it, that part i know.  but not just knowing it, so much as acknowledging it in the moment that i am eating for emotional reasons and not because of hunger itself.  i am learning that all that crap doesn't really taste as good as i thought it would.  i am learning to track the points instead of giving up because i went over.

i have decided to take this "mishap" and see it as not only a learning experience but also as feedback.  i will take this week's results in stride knowing that i went over and that it is normal to slip at times.  

additionally, i am trying to motivate myself to get to the gym to earn back some of the points that i have already indulged in.  i have every intention of going to the gym tonight and tomorrow night.  these are intentions... not definites, but now that i am putting it in writing i am sure i will look like an asshole if i don't go, so i probably will go just so that i don't look/feel like "that" asshole.  also, on friday and saturday i have plans to work it out with colleen at colleen's seriously inferior gym, as my location rocks my socks but she isn't VIP-ness enough to get into mine.  and yes, i am making fun of her and her location because she seriously embarrassed me in front of her hot trainer this past weekend and had the nerve to suggest that i work out with him.  

UM, YA-HELL-NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

the last thing i need to do is spend $50+ an hour on a hunk to make me want to kill him for the torture and me for the embarrassment of the whole thing!

well enough of that, just needed to vent.  we all slip up at times, but it is what you do with the experience that i suppose really matters.  check back to soon to see if i make it to the gym the next four days... will keep you posted

-20.8 lbs


wednesday gym update: 
made it to the gym.  32 minutes on the precor at high intensity. +10 points.  weekly status total: still -11 points


thursday gym update: 28 minutes on the precor at high intensity. +9 points.  weekly status total: -4 points


friday gym update: missed the gym, life happens... hopefully tomorrow will be different!


saturday gym update: made it to Zumba at the gym for a nice long hour work out.  it was such a blast.  +19 points.  


ended week in the positive instead of the negative.  yay

It's Never Too Late...

I found an interesting quote online today and thought it was all too perfect. 

 

"It's never too late to become the person you might have been."- George Elliot

 

This is too true.  You can always change the path you are on to become the person you might have been, and/or, the person you want to be.   I have been on a changed path for more than two months, and continue to change my path each and everyday.  It is a concious decision that I make every morning that I wake.  It is a new day.  This day that I am blessed to live.  Make it the best day possible!

Just thought it was an awesome quote and worth sharing! :)

Do You Have Enough 'Me' Time? Results: Time Out!

So, I "liked" a whole bunch of crap on facebook last week and I forgot that all the things you "like" can post things on your wall unless you opt out once you see their posts.  So, I totally forgot this and when I hacked into facebook from trabajo (yes, sly incognito Spanish words will cover my @$$), I saw a posting from Weight Watchers.  It was a quiz regarding if you make enough "me" time.  I kind of laughed as I touched base on something similar fairly recently on my blog.  So, I took myself some "me" time and answered their 8 questions and much to my surprise (NOT), here were my results:

"Short on time, long on work, everyone you know seems to need a piece of you — no wonder you often feel drained and exhausted by the end of the day. You're so busy you may not even realize your battery is running on low. You definitely deserve some serious time out. But your old nemesis "guilt" keeps you taking on more than you can manage. Let go of that useless emotion! Learn to say "no" and then schedule in "Me Time." Try meditating, journaling, walking, soaking in a sudsy tub. Whatever helps you relax, take it to the max!"

While the quiz was accurate and stated the obvious, I loved how they attempted to resolve the problem by providing the insightful suggestion: "Learn to say 'no' and then schedule in 'Me Time.'"  If it were only that easy, none of us would be rundown.  While I believe the quiz was meant to be useful and eye opening, I have a sneaky suspicion that most people who took the quiz knew what their results would be before starting.  Furthermore, if they knew simply how to say "no" and schedule more "me time" that they wouldn't even need a silly quiz to inform them of the obvious.

With this said, the quiz did reaffirm to me why my guest room still looks more like a moving dungeon and less like a room for guests.  Perhaps I shall just start shouting "NO" to people at work, pack up for the day, head home, and work on my guest room.  

Your thoughts?

Mine: While a lovely idea, I am doubtful it will fly around here.  Thus I sit, and work, and push off the guest room to another day knowing that if it weren't for this job that absorbs so much of my time and energy, I would not be able to afford such a room for guests that currently resembles a moving dungeon.

To future guests:  Please be patient with me! :)


-down 20.0 lbs

My Ring

For the first time in a couple years, my ring is freely spinning around my finger.


'nuff said!

Life is a Struggle

A while ago, a friend of mine posted a blog that ended with this quote:  

"Life is a struggle.  The struggle is never going to go away, it's just how you manage it and how you deal with it." ~Bob (Biggest Loser trainer)

The quote truly spoke to me in a way that I find hard to even express with words.  It couldn't be more suited to me on this journey.  My life has been filled with struggles and blessings.  However, we often find ourselves focused on the struggles as those are harder to deal with.  

The struggles in life will never go away, but you have the choice on how to deal with the struggles you are faced with.  I dealt with the assault struggles in several was.  Lots of therapy, medication, food, etc!  I now realized I was using the food as a coping mechanism and shield.  It has been a buffer.  I have misused it.  Bob's statement is so true... the struggle is never going to go away.  It will always be a part of who I am.  Some days will be, and are, better than others.  Some days I will have, and have had, nightmares where I relive that horrific night.  Other people's actions, while harmless in nature to them, will trigger things that remind me of that night.  But regardless, I am finally taking back my life and making the conscious decision to manage and deal with these struggles differently going forward.  I have learned that ignoring that the struggles exist is not the way to deal with them.  I have learned that eating away my struggles, as comforting and delicious as it may be, is not the way to deal with them.  I am currently working on ways on how to deal with life's struggles...

Do I know all the answers on how to cope with the struggles on this journey that I am on?  Absolutely not!  But will I at least think of these words, food is not my solution, and attempt to make better decisions going forward?  Absolutely!


-down 18.6