So tired of...

I'm so tired of...

The bullshit
The nonsense
The pain
The hurt
The lies
The loss
The tears
The nightmares
The emptiness
The loneliness
The emotions
The disrespect
The mean words
The rude responses
The self hate
The self destruction
The fake smiles
The toxic people

I just want to be numb of it all
I just want to feel alive inside
I have been dead inside too long

I want to stop having to act
I want to stop pretending its ok
I just want to be the woman I once was

I am tired of living this life
I am tired of living these lies
I just wish it was all better

So tired of...
This fucked up person I've become

Another day

My heart it breaks for another day
Friends say that I deserve better
Can't post what mom wants to say
Dad says put it in your past
But my heart says I miss you

My mind says
You should have never gone back
You should have never let him in
You knew he'd do this to you again
You deserve an established man who can give you what you want
Who can make your dreams a reality

But my heart still says I want you

I want my heart and head to say the same things
I want this pain to end
I want to stop longing for someone who doesn't want me
Who doesn't care about me
Who threw me out with no regard
I want to stop crying myself to sleep

I want to meet a man who wants to love me
Who I can truly love
A man who'll appreciate all the things I do for him
I want a man who won't use me
Who wont take advantage of my generosity
Who won't confuse my kindness for weakness
I want a man who will hold me, protect me, and truly care for me

I want a man who isn't you, so why does this hurt so bad?
You've proven to me you're not this man, so please get out of my heart
You don't belong there anymore
You don't deserve the space you're taking up there so please...
Let me move on. Without you!

Day 1 without you...

Day 1 without you...
Hurts but its needed
You want to destroy me
You want to tear my heart out
Continue to kick me when I'm down
I never wanted to be without you
You threw me out again
Day 1 without you...
Its rough but you gave me no other choice

Hope day 2 is easier...

letting go

sometimes you are forced to let go

let go of someone you love

when you are disposed of so mercilessly 

you are given no other option

the process of letting go is difficult

especially if you are not the one 

that has made the decision to do so

letting go is not what I wanted

I vowed that this time I'd fight for us

that I would not let you run so easily

as you did the last time you left me behind

but I realize that I can only fight

if you are willing to hold on

you made your choice without me in mind

you have given me no other choice

so today I am forced to let go

I suppose this is what is best for me

you can't give me what I want

you can't give me what I deserve

you can't be the man that I need

you can't be the one for me

you made this choice for us

you disposed of me and my love

so today begins this process

today I let you go completely

today is a new day 

today is a fresh start 

today is a new opportunity

today I choose happiness

today I choose me

today I seek a new best friend

today I seek a new love

today I seek a new man

today I seek what I deserve

today I say goodbye to you

Trash

You just threw me out like old trash. Like I mean nothing to you. Clearly that's the truth or you'd not be able to do me like that.

Having the man that you've given your heart to say to you "leave me alone" is quite possibly one of the shittiest things to experience.

You said to me you'd not break my heart. Jokes on me! Shouldn't be surprised. This isn't the first time you've thrown me out like trash.

Thanks for reconfirming my insecurities for me: unloveable, worthless, & now... Trash!

I asked for nothing but your heart

You came back into my life so unexpectedly... You made me open my soul to you and you truly began to open up to me. I slowly began to fall back into love with you, a different kind of love. You came, spent sweet time with my, fooled me into thinking we could be. When you left, you told me we couldn't be. You broke my heart that day but fooled me again saying we'd be the same, you just needed to get things in your life in order. But you left and took away the man I knew. Now I sit here grieving something again that probably never was.

I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why I'm not worthy of your love. What did I not give? What was I not able to give that you needed?

Why did you fool me again. You should have just said goodbye because its clear you're gone from me. 

You broke my heart again.
I opened my heart to you once more, you promised you'd treat it with care this time... You didn't. You were reckless and threw out my love with no true goodbye.  I asked for nothing, but your heart...

Almost Lover

"Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do"

-a fine frenzy

mistakes

mistakes

we all make them

but some are forgiven

some are not

it is about opening your mind

opening your heart

and deciding

what is worth your forgiveness

don't let your pride get in your own way

let those who love you in

and let those who don't leave

still no us

you're back in my life

we act as more than friends

but you remind me we are just that

i'm hopeful for more

we plan a trip for you

to come spend some time with me

i am so excited, i just want answers

where do we stand?

you come to see me

you treat me like i'm yours

you ask me to be yours

i cautiously and nervously accept

we have fun all weekend

like we did in our past

but before you leave, you say "i cant"

"i cant be an us, i cant do it"

like a slap in the face, i am stunned

i thought we wanted the same thing

you say you want me but you cant

but when you want something, don't you make it happen?

yet... i knew it was coming

the last 24 hours things had been off

i tried to bring it up a few times

you acted like you didn't know what i was talking about

more wasted time

when this time is so valuable to me

i don't know when i'll see you again

when we'll be able to spend time like this together again

you finally man up and admit it

you made a mistake, you shouldn't have asked

makes me feel like i'm the mistake

what is so wrong with me that i'm not worth the commitment?

you keep saying you didn't say you don't want me

but then why cant we at least try?

it makes me feel those feelings again

unlovable, undeserving, unwanted, worthless

will a man ever love me?

just me, right here, as i am?

i think i deserve to be loved

i have so much love to give

i'm over men saying, i want you...

just not now

bad timing, wrong place

will there ever be a right time?

you say you want me

but why not make the commitment?

what reason do i have to stay here?

and wait, for what?  what if it isn't ever the right time?

i fear it is just an excuse

this whole thing, about not being ready yet

i don't want to be that dumb girl

who waits just to have her heart broken again

you've destroyed my heart once before

please don't do it again

i don't deserve that, after all of this

after giving you my all

you came to see me, i just wanted answers

you leave as we started, i still lack answers

but don't worry i'm clear, there is no US

there is a you and a me, but no US

--------------------------------------------------------

i guess it was nice being your girlfriend again for 72 hours

foolish of me to think it would last much longer

was probably just the drinks that even made you ask to begin with

hopefully if you say it again, that time you wont j/k me a few days later

because that fucking sucked!