Why hold on?

So low again.
I cab never escape the darkness for long.

So damaged. So destroyed.
Never worthy of something more.

Sleep all day. Cry all night.
Isolation. Sadness. Loss. Destruction.

When will it end?
So tired of wishing this life would end.

Is this what life's all about?
If so, why hold on?

Want to let go.
Tired of fighting so hard to hold on.
Tired of the mask I wear.
Exhausted from all the acting.

Wounded Heart

Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself
Though I wanted to be brave it never helped.
'Cause your trouble's like a flood raging through your veins
No amount of love's enough to end the pain

Tenderness and time can heal a right gone wrong,
But the anger that you feel goes on and on.
And it's not enough to know that I love you still
So I'll take my heart and go for I've had my fill.

If you listen you can hear the angel's wings

Up above our heads so near they are hovering

Waiting to reach out for love when it falls apart

When it cannot rise above a wounded heart.

When it cannot rise above a wounded heart.

What About Love?

I, I'm feeling your thunder
The storm’s getting closer
This rain is like fire
And my, my world’s going under
And I can’t remember
The reason that you cut off the line

[Bridge]
You’re moving on, you say
Here I stay
I’ll take this pain
Yeah, I can, I can

[Chorus]
What about love?
What about our promises?
What about love?
You take it all and leave me nothing
What about love?
What about us to the end?
What about love?
You cut my wings, now I am falling
What about love? [x2]

[Verse 2]
Why you're colder than winter?
You’re switching the picture
You used to be perfect, yeah (yeah)
Once you’re hot like the summer
Please help me remember
The reason that you said “bye bye bye”

[Bridge]
You’re moving on, you say
Here I stay
I’ll take this pain
Yeah, I can, I can

[Chorus]
What about love?
What about our promises?
What about love?
You take it all and leave me nothing
What about love?
What about us to the end?
What about love?
You cut my wings, now I am falling
What about love? [x2]

[Middle 8 - x4]
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh
What about, what about love?

[Bridge]
You’re moving on, you say
Here I stay
Watching every night get colder
You’re moving on, you say
Here I stay
I’ll take this pain
Yeah, I can, I can

[Chorus]
What about love?
What about our promises?
What about love?
You take it all and leave me nothing
What about love?
What about us to the end?
What about love?
You cut my wings, now I am falling
What about love?
What about, what about love?
What about
What about love?
What about, what about love?
What about
What about love?

tears. lies. empty. tired.

tears.

tears well up in my eyes again, down my cheek

"what's wrong?" she asks

"oh nothing, I think it is allergies" i respond

lies. 

lies are what got me this pain to begin with 

i've felt this pain before

the first time you did this, you shattered my heart

empty.  

i feel broken and dead

you've soul crushed my soul 

and left me with nothing but emptiness

weak.

weakness is what allowed me

to let you back in

i loved you again and you did the same thing

reckless.

i opened my heart and loved you

you never cared, just like last time

you were reckless with my heart then disposed of it

temporary.

you brought back a smile

that i had not seen in so long

i thought it would last forever, you made it temporary

tired.

i'm tired of hurting so much

i'm so stupid for loving you

i'm tired of the tears, the lies, the emptiness...

Love

Love doesn't have a speed limit...

jar of hearts (could be a re-post but truly how I feel at this time)

No, I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Sight

Out of sight
Out of mind
Does the trick
Every time!

So glad this time its so easy!

toxic release

there comes a day and time when it hits you

you finally realize that the relationship you've been in is toxic

it didn't truly bring you the joy you thought it did

he didn't enhance your life like you did his

you realize that he took advantage of your caring heart

your willingness to open your soul to him

and your ability to truly make him the happiest man

you realize that no matter how hard you tried

you can't fix someone as broken and mentally off as he

you realize that it isn't you or your love that wasn't enough

it was he, that didn't understand how much you loved him

it was he, that didn't want to open his heart and soul to you

it was he, that continued to take his past from others out on you

and it was he, that threw in the towel and made the choice to walk

when this day comes, it sets your soul free

a huge weight lifts from your shoulders

you feel like you can begin to breathe again

you can live again, a true and happy life

when you finally accept that you deserve so much more

it is as if toxic waste once consumed your soul

and its release is like something you've never experienced before

i've recently had this experience

i've realized that what i thought might be love

was truly a distorted and toxic take on a relationship

i've realized that no one deserves to be treated this way

no one deserves to be treated with such wreckless abandon

i've been reminded that i should never date down

and i've looked within to find the self confidence that i've lacked

this lack of self confidence is what lead me to such a toxic man

someone whom i should have never allowed in my life at all

let alone a second time, for a second chance

never again!  today's a new day with so much joy ahead

Never again

You used me
You lied
I gave
I tried

You played me
You burned me
I forgave
I let you in

You showed
You're no different
I believed you
Said you'd changed

You're not worthy of anything
Let alone someone like me
Karma's a bitch
She never stops watching

When she uses you and lies
When she plays and burns you
Just know its payback
For all the wrong you've done

A real man, you are not
You take advantage
Take what you want
Throw out what's left
What real man would do that?
And after all I've done for you

My pain is turning to rage
You did this to me
Hope you're happy
You destroyed me again

Guess its true
Do it to me once,
Shame on you
Twice, shame on me

Guess mom's right...
A tigers stripes never change

alive

Feel dead inside
Just want to numb the pain
Reckless with my body
Seeking pleasure in any way
You're not him
But the passion fills me
It was like never before
You made me feel alive again
The other night I wasn't dead
You filled me full of life
I long for you again
Even if just a temporary high
I can't stop thinking about it
Why was it so magical this time?
I long for you again
Don't make me wait too long
I want to feel alive again
Even if just for a short while

friends?

who was I kidding?
you've not tried to be my friend
why would I think you'd try?
you didn't try for us

another lie to my face
that isn't what friends do

Letting go

Last night I made huge progress in letting go. I hope this progress continues in such a way because I'm ready to truly close the chapter of the past that haunts me and I'm ready for the next chapter of my life to truly begin!

So tired of...

I'm so tired of...

The bullshit
The nonsense
The pain
The hurt
The lies
The loss
The tears
The nightmares
The emptiness
The loneliness
The emotions
The disrespect
The mean words
The rude responses
The self hate
The self destruction
The fake smiles
The toxic people

I just want to be numb of it all
I just want to feel alive inside
I have been dead inside too long

I want to stop having to act
I want to stop pretending its ok
I just want to be the woman I once was

I am tired of living this life
I am tired of living these lies
I just wish it was all better

So tired of...
This fucked up person I've become

Another day

My heart it breaks for another day
Friends say that I deserve better
Can't post what mom wants to say
Dad says put it in your past
But my heart says I miss you

My mind says
You should have never gone back
You should have never let him in
You knew he'd do this to you again
You deserve an established man who can give you what you want
Who can make your dreams a reality

But my heart still says I want you

I want my heart and head to say the same things
I want this pain to end
I want to stop longing for someone who doesn't want me
Who doesn't care about me
Who threw me out with no regard
I want to stop crying myself to sleep

I want to meet a man who wants to love me
Who I can truly love
A man who'll appreciate all the things I do for him
I want a man who won't use me
Who wont take advantage of my generosity
Who won't confuse my kindness for weakness
I want a man who will hold me, protect me, and truly care for me

I want a man who isn't you, so why does this hurt so bad?
You've proven to me you're not this man, so please get out of my heart
You don't belong there anymore
You don't deserve the space you're taking up there so please...
Let me move on. Without you!

Day 1 without you...

Day 1 without you...
Hurts but its needed
You want to destroy me
You want to tear my heart out
Continue to kick me when I'm down
I never wanted to be without you
You threw me out again
Day 1 without you...
Its rough but you gave me no other choice

Hope day 2 is easier...

letting go

sometimes you are forced to let go

let go of someone you love

when you are disposed of so mercilessly 

you are given no other option

the process of letting go is difficult

especially if you are not the one 

that has made the decision to do so

letting go is not what I wanted

I vowed that this time I'd fight for us

that I would not let you run so easily

as you did the last time you left me behind

but I realize that I can only fight

if you are willing to hold on

you made your choice without me in mind

you have given me no other choice

so today I am forced to let go

I suppose this is what is best for me

you can't give me what I want

you can't give me what I deserve

you can't be the man that I need

you can't be the one for me

you made this choice for us

you disposed of me and my love

so today begins this process

today I let you go completely

today is a new day 

today is a fresh start 

today is a new opportunity

today I choose happiness

today I choose me

today I seek a new best friend

today I seek a new love

today I seek a new man

today I seek what I deserve

today I say goodbye to you

Trash

You just threw me out like old trash. Like I mean nothing to you. Clearly that's the truth or you'd not be able to do me like that.

Having the man that you've given your heart to say to you "leave me alone" is quite possibly one of the shittiest things to experience.

You said to me you'd not break my heart. Jokes on me! Shouldn't be surprised. This isn't the first time you've thrown me out like trash.

Thanks for reconfirming my insecurities for me: unloveable, worthless, & now... Trash!

I asked for nothing but your heart

You came back into my life so unexpectedly... You made me open my soul to you and you truly began to open up to me. I slowly began to fall back into love with you, a different kind of love. You came, spent sweet time with my, fooled me into thinking we could be. When you left, you told me we couldn't be. You broke my heart that day but fooled me again saying we'd be the same, you just needed to get things in your life in order. But you left and took away the man I knew. Now I sit here grieving something again that probably never was.

I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why I'm not worthy of your love. What did I not give? What was I not able to give that you needed?

Why did you fool me again. You should have just said goodbye because its clear you're gone from me. 

You broke my heart again.
I opened my heart to you once more, you promised you'd treat it with care this time... You didn't. You were reckless and threw out my love with no true goodbye.  I asked for nothing, but your heart...

Almost Lover

"Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do"

-a fine frenzy

mistakes

mistakes

we all make them

but some are forgiven

some are not

it is about opening your mind

opening your heart

and deciding

what is worth your forgiveness

don't let your pride get in your own way

let those who love you in

and let those who don't leave

still no us

you're back in my life

we act as more than friends

but you remind me we are just that

i'm hopeful for more

we plan a trip for you

to come spend some time with me

i am so excited, i just want answers

where do we stand?

you come to see me

you treat me like i'm yours

you ask me to be yours

i cautiously and nervously accept

we have fun all weekend

like we did in our past

but before you leave, you say "i cant"

"i cant be an us, i cant do it"

like a slap in the face, i am stunned

i thought we wanted the same thing

you say you want me but you cant

but when you want something, don't you make it happen?

yet... i knew it was coming

the last 24 hours things had been off

i tried to bring it up a few times

you acted like you didn't know what i was talking about

more wasted time

when this time is so valuable to me

i don't know when i'll see you again

when we'll be able to spend time like this together again

you finally man up and admit it

you made a mistake, you shouldn't have asked

makes me feel like i'm the mistake

what is so wrong with me that i'm not worth the commitment?

you keep saying you didn't say you don't want me

but then why cant we at least try?

it makes me feel those feelings again

unlovable, undeserving, unwanted, worthless

will a man ever love me?

just me, right here, as i am?

i think i deserve to be loved

i have so much love to give

i'm over men saying, i want you...

just not now

bad timing, wrong place

will there ever be a right time?

you say you want me

but why not make the commitment?

what reason do i have to stay here?

and wait, for what?  what if it isn't ever the right time?

i fear it is just an excuse

this whole thing, about not being ready yet

i don't want to be that dumb girl

who waits just to have her heart broken again

you've destroyed my heart once before

please don't do it again

i don't deserve that, after all of this

after giving you my all

you came to see me, i just wanted answers

you leave as we started, i still lack answers

but don't worry i'm clear, there is no US

there is a you and a me, but no US

--------------------------------------------------------

i guess it was nice being your girlfriend again for 72 hours

foolish of me to think it would last much longer

was probably just the drinks that even made you ask to begin with

hopefully if you say it again, that time you wont j/k me a few days later

because that fucking sucked!

beautiful... gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Come Live with Me...

Come live with me
And won't you be my love
Share my bread and wine

Be wife to me
Be life to me
Be mine

Oh, come live with me
And be my love
Let our dreams combine

Be great to me
Be fate to me
Be mine

With these hands
I'll build a roof
To shield your head

Yes, and with these hands
I'll carve the wood
For our baby's bed

Oh, come live with me
And be my love
So I can love you all the time

Be part of me
Girl, be the heart of me
Be mine

Why don't y'all help me now

I'll try to do my best for you
I swear, I promise you
And girl, didn't I tell you

I'll cry for you
Don't you know
I will accompany you
I say my whole life through

Oh, come live with me
And won't you be my love
Hey, hey, share my bread and wine

Be part of me
Oh, be the heart of me, baby
Please be mine

You say you're fine

You say you're fine
But i know better
Something is off
Something is not right

You say you're fine
But you push me away
I feel the distance
I hate the feeling

You say you're fine
Your actions say otherwise
I ask what's wrong
You question why I'm asking

You say you're fine
But I know better
I wish you'd open up to me
That's what I'm here for

they said, i'm proud of you

they sit outside
dont know what its like
they say i'm proud
so proud of you

how can they be?
how can you be proud
when its taken me several years
i didnt have the courage
needed a friend to call

dont be proud of me
i've played the victim far too long
i should have been stronger
i shouldnt have allowed him to win

he's destroyed me mentally
physically, emotionally
i've allowed him to do this
how can one be proud of me for that

Wanted

You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you

Like everything that's green, girl, I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you're wanted too

'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah
And you get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the make-up
And I wanna show you what I see tonight...

When I wrap you up
When I kiss your lips.
I, I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
'Cause, baby, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Baby, I wanna make you feel wanted

You'll always be wanted

Death

I've experienced enough death... Enough loss...
I'm tired...
I want it all to end...
Why couldn't it have been me in that fatal overturned SUV accident the other morning?
I don't want to live like this for one more day...
one more hour...
I don't know how to stop the pain...
The hurt...
Why does my mind say just end it?
I have the means. Just take it all and go to sleep...
Its not like I'd be missed...
Who in the world would miss such a mess?
I'm dead inside...
Like a walking corpse...
You used to see life in my eyes, now there's just nothing...
Its a constant battle, one shoulder a devil saying just do it, the other an angel saying don't...
The devil gets louder...
I can't hear anything but the devil...
I need to just stop being a coward...
Everyone would be better off!

that night

he took something from me that night that destroyed the carefree, warmhearted, fun, loving woman that i was.  he ruined me.  i don't want to allow him to ruin me for one more day but i don't know how to make it stop.  i try and i try but it is still there.  he's made me act out.  do things that are so stupid.  so regrettable.  what was i thinking?  putting myself at risk like that?    for what?  i know better!  he's turned me into this self hating, worthless, unlovable monster who wears a smile to pretend to others that i'm fine when i'm really fucked up and dead inside.  i'm tired of living like this, if you could even call it living!  i want it all to end!

distance

i feel the distance

not just physical

i feel something more

i ask what's wrong

the reply i get is "what?"

i don't understand

maybe you're over it

i can't be there now

you'd probably prefer i was

i can't uproot my life

without some certainty

that we will last, that you want me

too much to lose

my career, my home

my life i've created for me

maybe i've pushed

i don't mean to

i'm just trying to show i care

this is going to be work

maybe you don't want that

to work as hard as i'm willing 

i can't do this alone

if you don't want this

i hope you'll let me free

you broke my heart once

it hurts again just thinking

that you'll be gone again

i've tried to be here 

in every possible way

every way i know how

i feel like your pushing

i just want in

don't push me away

maybe you've decided

there is no future for us

i just don't know, you push

i can always tell

when something is off with you

but i don't know why now

you are there, i'm here

but there is distance

beyond the obvious