my inner skinny bitch

so it has been a few days since i have blogged last.  i have thought about it.  considered it.  but just haven't had the energy to put my thoughts on paper.  this is a good thing and a bad thing.  i have really been serious about working out and making it to the gym at least 5 days a week.  not only do i make the appearance to show face but i really have been busting my hump there.  i do a minimum of an hour workout each time i go, and i have been increasing the intensity, the workouts, and the weights while weight lifting.  


people say that exercise gives you energy, which i will concur with.  but at a point, it can purely kick your ass.  for example, on friday night (my rest day from the gym) i got home from work and decided to lay down for a few minutes.  you know, kick my feet up after a long work week and some really intense workouts.  i was so spent that i just laid down on the bed with my clothes from work and turned the tv on.  within 5 minutes i had to have been snoring.  i woke up about 4 hours later, just before 10 and thought, wtf!?!  


first of all, how was i that tired?  second, how did i just sleep through a meal?  UM HELLO, I LOVE FOOD!  


i guess my body was ready for the break.  i thought for a minute that maybe i was pushing myself too much but people don't die because they exercised too frequently, the die from not exercising at all and that is what i am trying to avoid!


all of these workouts have also done something else for me.  they have made me realize that you can be athletic at any size.  before this recent dedication to fitness, when colleen and i would talk i would remind her how crazy she was for things she was suggesting i do physically because i am a bigger girl.  she reminded me that i could do those things before in my life so there was no reason i couldn't do them now.  i hate to say this, and i wont be repeating myself again any time soon, but colleen was right! :)  


i can be athletic.  not only can i be athletic but i can feel healthy because of it.  the new found natural energy and positive outlook i have had recently because of the exercise is really recharging my batteries in so many ways.  one way in particular is it has released something in me that i didn't know existing.  i have titled this "thing" my "Inner Skinny Bitch".  i have felt more confident and fit in the last few weeks than i have in years.  so much so that i am confused when i look in the mirror.  i still see the outer me (the chunky but fabulous gal) but inside i feel like a skinny bitch that can take on the fitness world!


instead of fearing the gym and possible judgments that people may make about someone of my size being there... i walk in with confidence knowing that i am going to rock my workout and no one can take that away from me.  i go in there and give it my all.  i release my stress and i sweat like a pig and i don't give a fuck!  (side note: meat heads scare me, primarily, the ones clearly steroid filled... ewww&yikes!!! all at once)


my Inner Skinny Bitch has empowered me in a way i didn't know was possible.  i never thought that some time at the gym would be so good not only for my physical health, but for my mental health!


not only is my head in the game with weight watchers, but my head is in the fitness game as well.  furthermore, i have even made plans to temporarily join a different gym when i go on vacation soon.  the fact that i am thinking that vacation and workouts go in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence, is a freaking miracle.


really, where are the pigs with wings?


until next time
-your newly found Skinny Bitch
-29.2 lbs and counting!!!

I think I caught "The Sickness"

Going forward... I am going to call my recent addiction to the gym "The Sickness" because mentally I think it is wrong to feel addicted to something so healthy like the gym.  Why cant I just be addicted to something like crack cocaine?  Sheessshhhhhh!!!

So, last week, Colleen wrote me some note suggesting (read: demanding) that I sign up for personal training sessions with her hot trainer.  

The email read:  

Hey douche face 

You need to sign up to work with your favorite hottie... 

Do it or we wont be friends anymore. 

Colleen 

ps i voted for your nail lady so you owe me

To which I responded something along the lines of:

Hey fuck wad... better get me in there before my tax refund is spent... it is going fast!

Fast forward to Saturday following our Body Pump class (read: hell with weights and perky anorexic but inspiring instructor lady) I was signing up with Hot Trainer for personal training sessions.  :)  However, I did inform Hot Trainer (yes that is his new name, HOT TRAINER) that under no circumstance would I be getting on a scale in front of him or would he be measuring the size of my big round santa clause belly.  I informed him that if he required numbers for his paperwork I weigh 102 pounds and my goal weight would be 98.  I also believe Colleen and I provided him with measurements along the lines of 20 inch waist and so on.  He asked how we would track my progress and I told him to simmer down as Weight Watchers "officially" tracks my weight and I take my own measurements in the comfort of my own home.  He then asked if he could take a before and after picture.  I informed him that if he thought he was going to post before and after pictures of me anywhere for anyone to see that he was highly mistaken.  He suggested that wouldn't I want to show off all the progress we made... at which point I informed him that any progress made would be solely MY accomplishment and that no, I need not have my fat face plastered anywhere for the world to see.  

Now that we have "Melissa's Rules" established, we can move on to more important things... like getting my ass in shape.  He asked me what my goals were and I informed him that I didn't want to die.  He looked confused.  Colleen confirmed that this was the truth.  That I don't want to die from being so unhealthy.  Good thing she speaks my language and was there to translate for Hot Trainer.  Additionally, I informed him that I would like to strengthen my core (read: lose my fat jiggly santa clause belly that is going to kill me if I don't remove ASAP).  Both of these goals were written down.  

Hot Trainer then asked me what I thought was reasonable and/or my goal for workouts at the gym... and before I knew it I blurted out "I would like to work out 5 days a week for a minimum of an hour a day!"  OH FUCK... he actually heard me and wrote that down... now I am trapped.  FML.  

Ok, so now that I have inserted foot into my mouth (story of my life), there is no turning back.  Before I can retract my statement he is jotting this stuff down on a workout calendar.  We begin to decide that Saturdays I will do the Body Pump class (oh, great!) with Colleen.  And Wednesdays will be training days with Hot Trainer (read: sweat my fat ass off and be completely mortified into feeling like I need to spend 25 hours a day at the gym to be smaller before next session).  Then Colleen proceeds to suggest that there is a Spin class on Thursday nights that we could attend.  How she got me to agree to this so willingly, I am still confused.  It was like I was drugged.  I then committed to Sundays on the Bike for an hour and Tuesdays on the elepitical for 30 minutes and the treadmill for 30 minutes.  Rounding out the week was the best thing Hot Trainer suggested yet, REST DAYS!!!!  Monday & Fridays would be rest days.

So, the concept of rest days is what brings me to this post.  Last night while updating my ACTUAL calendar of workouts to bring with me to my first personal training session with Hot Trainer, it occurred to me that I had worked out 6 days last week.  Mind you, one day was the whole Turbo Kick mishap where either the instructor or I was going to die so I left and got Chipotle for dinner.  But, regardless, the fact that I even made it to the gym 6 days in the week was a huge success.  I cant remember a time, even in my much lighter days, that I went to the gym 6 days in one week.  Go ME!!!

Being Monday, it is my rest day.  But I am really feeling guilty and lazy by the thought of not making it to the gym.  This in itself is proof that it is finally clicking mentally that eating right and working out is the way that I am going to a) lose this weight, b) get healthy, and c) live a longer life.  It has taken me a long time to get my head in the game.  (proof: See Teresa, my weight watcher leader, who has seen me rejoin weight watchers on a bi-monthly basis since I moved back up north.)  I am certain that this whole weight thing, both gaining and losing, is entirely mental.  When my head is in it to win it, I succeed.  When my head is not in it for the win, I get... Um, "squishy" (read: fat and disgusting)!  So, rest day is here and I feel guilty.  Part of me is already ready for bed before 10 am so that I can in fact rest, but another part of me feels like I am just being lazy and I should go anyways.  

I consulted with my other trainer (read: Colleen) and she insists that I take today to rest.  That my body needs time to... blah blah blah.  She lost me when she said it was okay to stay home and rest.  As long as the workout Nazi (read: Colleen) is saying it is okay, I know I won't get yelled at and that is the most important thing! ;)

So, we wrapped up Saturday's little meeting with Hot Trainer by me informing him of something that I think shocked not only Hot Trainer but also workout Nazi (read: see above).  I stated that I had already researched and determined what gym I was going to get a temporary membership to when I am away on vacation in the next month to maintain my workout schedule/plan while I vacation.  This is a first.  Yes, while on vacation, I have walked with my mom and done some light exercise, but NEVER have I joined a gym temporarily to get where I ultimately want to be.  Furthermore, I have planned what workouts I will need to rearrange and when so that I can account for travel days where I probably wont have the opportunity to workout and will need to take those as my rest days.

"The Sickness" is here and I sure hope it stays.  I have a lot of work to do but I know it will be worth it in the long run.  I deserve to be healthy.  I deserve to feel fabulous.  I deserve to love my body.  And I deserve to show Hot Trainer how fabulous I look in that damn miniskirt that has been packed away in my closet for the last few years.

Bring on the workouts Hot Trainer... 

-down 26.8 lbs

-up- mentally... in the game! o_O

Bragging Rights

I forgot to brag... As of Saturday morning, I am down 25.8 pounds.  Finally hit the big 25... 75 to go before earning my Tiffany's bracelet from my ma... 


Wonder how she is doing... I might owe her hers before I know it! :)

Self Worth

I have been wanting to write this blog for some time but have struggled with the words in which to compose it.  I sit here still struggling to compose it.  I have a few paragraphs already drafted and they don't make an ounce of sense.  

Basically, those who truly know me know that I struggle with many things.  The big things are self worth and self esteem.  I have hated the way the I look for so long because of my weight that I feel that I am worthless.  Feeling worthless makes me feel that no one will ever truly love me.  Feeling worthless makes me question if I deserve love.  It makes me question if I am lovable.  I question so much and it is based solely on how I see myself on the outside.  

One thing that I don't question is how ugly I feel.  We live in a society that teaches us that thin is beauty and fat is ugly.  I have some friends that aren't stick thin that I think are stunningly beautiful but I have never seen myself as this.  I have been called "cute" when I am skinnier, but I don't remember a time when I really have ever felt beautiful. 

Unfortunately, I directly correlate my exterior looks with how I feel on the inside.  I battle myself constantly on my own self worth.  I think that I am beautiful on the inside.  I try to make the right decisions and I try to be a good friend.  I try to be there for all of those in my life regardless of what they need.  I tend to put others before myself.  It is my way of making myself feel a little better on the inside because of how much I hate the outside.  

I feel like the inside doesn't matter most of the time because the outside is so fat and ugly.  It is a horrible feeling to not want to look in the mirror, ever.  It is a horrible feeling to try to become healthy and love yourself when you have such negative thoughts about your looks.  I know that when I am healthier (read: skinnier), I will feel better about myself and my looks.  But it is hard to get there.  

Even when I have weighed less in the past, I still have never really seen myself as beautiful.  I never am one to think someone would be interested in me or think that I am pretty and want to be with me.  I remember one time being out with my mom and she asked me if I noticed this guy who was checking me out.  I thought she was being ridiculous because I never have felt or understood why someone would want me or want to check me out.  And this thought process is solely based of how I feel about my external appearance (read: size).

I want to know what it is like to love myself, both inside and out.  I want to know what it is like to truly feel beautiful.  I want to know what it is like to accept my own flaws and to love them regardless because they make me who I am.  

I don't know how to get there.  I don't know how to feel pretty.  I don't know how to feel worthy of love.  I don't know how to change.  

As part of this journey, I hope to learn to change these thoughts.  I hope to learn to love myself: flaws, cellulite, and all.  I am not sure how, but I hope this changes!

Please Note:  The last thing I want is someone to read this and post a comment about how irrational I am or to post compliments.  I am not writing this for that reason.  I am writing this for me.  This is part of my battle.  This is how I see myself.  This is how I define my self worth.  This is what I see in the mirror.