The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

why is it that the heart can be such a huge stubborn pain in the ass?

it wants what it wants, regardless of what you think should be.  it can lead you in directions that may worry you.  it can force you down a path that may not be considered the best choice.  but it forces you in these directions because it isn't satisfied until it gets what it wants.  it is like the worst craving for chocolate... times a million.

if i told myself, i'd be sitting here, all these years later... still feeling this way, i'd laugh hysterically.  i'd question why.  i'd wonder how it would even be possible.  but i'm learning that the possibilities are endless because the heart wants what the heart wants, regardless of what might be considered a good or rational decision.

my heart has recently lead me down a path that i always imagine could happen, but that i never thought would actually happen.  it scares me... tremendously!  i don't know what will happen.  i fear that it will end the same way it did before.  pure destruction of my heart.  i still don't understand how you could have caused such destruction when you were always there for me, to keep me safe, to protect me, to provide for me... all of the love i thought i ever needed.  so in some ways it still feels like i was in a bad dream when i learned the truth.  like it couldn't really have happened, because you took such good care of me, my heart, my love.  

but it is my heart that draws me back to you.  it is my heart that throws caution to the wind.  it is my heart that screams i miss you.  it is my heart that longs to be in your arms, feeling that safety, security, and love that i once felt.  it is my heart that longs for a kiss from your perfect mouth.  it is my heart that tells me he can love you now, the way you deserve, the way he deserves, in a way he was never able to before.  it is my heart that gives me butterflies at the thought of his touch.    it is my heart that tells me this will work out and will be okay.  it is my heart that has never stopped loving you.  

i hope you don't hurt me this time.  i hope you'll learn to love me as i have loved you.  i know we could be something great, at least my heart tells me so.  i hope you see it.  i hope you let me in.  i hope you trust that i'll never hurt you, never cause you harm, never make judgments regarding the demons you face, never leave your side, and never stop fighting for us.

i hope you'll be patient with me, as we sort through the destruction you once caused.  i do forgive you but we have hurdles that we'll have to work through.  i hope you think we are worth facing these hurdles head on.  i hope you'll hold my hand the whole way, because i don't know if i can ever love another man the way i loved you.  my heart screams "i love this man" but my mind screams "stop, you're living in a dream".

i hope you'll be patient.  i hope you'll let me in.  i hope you'll treat my heart with kindness and love, because after all... my heart wants what my heart wants... and that has always been you.

Listening to: Adorn - Miguel