Putting Others Before Myself

For most of my life, I put others before myself.  For a few years, I had been considering joining the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's (LLS) Team In Training.  It is an organization that helps to raise money for research and patient services for those fighting blood cancers.  I had been hesitant because you commit to raising a substantial amount of money for the LLS.  I used the excuse of, I will do it next year when I am in better shape.  But this year one of my dearest friends, Tryphena, had done it and really encouraged me to do the same.  Once she completed her season, I went to an orientation to get familiar with the specifics of the program with my friend Colleen.  We both decided that we wanted to join but because of the strict "no strollers at training" policy, Colleen was unable to join.  I was still on the fence because I was required to raise about $2,500, which is a big commitment.  Additionally, someone of my size, isn't typically seen as the marathon/half-marathon type.  With a little pushing from Tryphena, I was signing the paperwork...

I knew that once one person had made a donation in my honor that there would be no turning back.  Not only would I not let down the LLS, I really couldn't let down a family member or friend who had donated to the cause in my honor.  My thought process was, they wouldn't have contributed if they didn't think I could do it.  So, what does Tryphena go and do???  she makes the first donation...  That's it, no turning back.  

Training was quite the adventure.  Training for a half marathon in the middle of the summer in the greater Sacramento area can be considered a suicide mission.  Many Saturday mornings I awoke to the buzz of the alarm thinking, "oh hell naw".  However, I would roll out of the bed, get the workout gear on, and get out the door to meet with the team.  Many Wednesday afternoons I just wanted to head home, eat dinner, and go to bed... but I got changed at work, got in my car, and drove to meet with the team.  Trainings sucked most days.  Let's face it... I am not the queen of fitness; furthermore, I hate running/walking.  I am cool with swimming, elyptical, biking, etc. but walking and running are just plain boring to me.  Also, my team, wasn't so much of a team.  It was a group full of clicks and I really felt like an outsider.  (Side note: the fastest girl on the team was always so happy and encouraging.  She would always yell good job to me as she was lapping my large ass.  I thought that was awesome.  She was without judgement, she just was there for the cause.)  However, it wasn't the experience that Tryphena had described.  Also, I was always the slowest at training which made me feel like a loser at times.  However, I knew that I needed to keep on, for the cause, and for all those who had donated in my honor.  

Before I knew it, it was October, my mother had flown in to support me, and I was in San Francisco ready for the race.  Because big, slow girls need a little extra time, I was able to take advantage of the early start at 5:30 am.  I remember that morning like it was yesterday.  I had woken up about 4 am, rolled over, looked at my mother and said "this isn't normal!  normal people don't push their bodies to walk or run 13.1 miles at one time!"  So what did I do, I went back to bed and woke up at noon.  JUST KIDDING.  I got my over exhausted, grumpy ass out of the bed, got my workout gear on and headed to the lobby to meet the others that were taking advantage of the early start.  

Before I knew it, I was crossing the starting line.  I had a bracelet that I was able to customize for the day that read "Bev Aunt, I miss you!"   I had joined the team in honor of an amazing family friend that we lost several years ago to leukemia.  I was also wearing my Tiffany's bead bracelet that my father got me, and the box chain bracelet my mom had gotten me.  I had everyone I needed with me on the race... and that was good, because I was out there alone.  Yes, there were 20k of my closest friends out there, but really, I was on the course alone as I was many of the days of training.    

When competing in an event like this, many things go through your mind.  I knew I had trained for the race, but the furthest they have you go is just over 11 miles in training.  You go through a battle mentally:  Can I do this?  Why am I doing this?   What was I thinking when I signed up for this?  When will mile 6 and this effing hills end?  Those are just a few things going through your mind.  But, I knew, after several months of training, approximately $2,500 in donations, and my mom and Tryphena waiting at the finish line... there was NO other option than finishing.  

So I walked.

And I walked.

And I walked some more.

And I posted my progress on facebook.

And texted my coach "I just made the hills at mile 6 my bitch!!!  See ya soon!"

And I walked.  

And I drank water.

And I ate bullshit sports snacks.

And I walked some more.  And then, walking down mile 10 with my coach, whom I had just met up with... I saw two of the most inspirational people in my life... Tryphena, an incredible woman who had proven to me that this is do-able... and my mother, my biggest cheerleader, my role model, and my best friend.  I was so pumped seeing them.  I new that soon it would be over and all worth the work.  I began walking with my coach, Tryphena, and my mom for about a mile and then my coach and I veered off to follow the path.  I later learned that my mom told Tryphena "If she is struggling, I am walking the rest of it with her.  I don't care what anyone says."  Tryphena agreed with my mom.  Just knowing they were waiting for me at the finish was enough to get me there.  When I walked across that finish line, I felt accomplished.  I felt joy.  I felt sadness.  I felt so many emotions.  And then, I saw the hunky firefighters dressed in tux's and holding Tiffany's boxes... and I felt blessed! :)

Ok, so this blog, I swear it has a point and purpose.  While driving to weight watchers on Saturday, I was thinking about how I would make all the time I needed to to train for the LLS race because it was benefiting others.  I didn't want to let others down.  However, the moment the commitment to the team was no longer and the money had been raised, and the race been completed, I stopped.  

I really began thinking, why is that I make the time when I know it will benefit others, but not to simply benefit myself?  I think this question has a very complicated answer.  I think some has to do with underlying issues of never putting myself first.  Also, self worth and self esteem issues.  Oh, and laziness (who are we kidding, this is probably a majority of it).  

As part of taking my life back, I am going to put this commitment in writing, to myself.  I vow to try harder to incorporate workouts into my daily routine.  This doesn't necessarily mean that I will be at the gym 7 days a week on the treadmill for 2 hours a day, but I am going to try to do things for myself that include activity that I enjoy. To start, I am going to go to a trampoline workout class with Colleen on Wednesday.  I hear it is hysterical...


For more information on Team In Training and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, visit the links below:
http://lls.org/hm_lls
http://www.teamintraining.org/